You should really be able to choose your co-workers…

Dear Annoying Co-Worker (You know who you are),

I realize that you REALLY, REALLY love your dog. I’ll even admit that your miniature pincher is somewhat cute, but I don’t care to hear about him EVERYDAY. Sure, I like animals too, but I definitely don’t need you updating me on personal pooch business like his diabetes, worms, or runny stool. Honestly, I’m not even sure what you want me to do with that kind of information. And I know it seems as though we have our own space in this cubicle jungle of ours, but really it’s just one big open room separated by pretend walls. I can hear all of your conversations and I think it’s unnecessary for you to ask your husband to put the telephone up to your dog’s ear so “Mommy can tell Pinchie she misses him” every afternoon. No offense, but gag me with a pooper scooper because hearing conversations like that makes it hard for me to swallow my Lean Cuisine Panini. Therefore, I am asking that you please stop immediately.

Now I know this won’t be easy for you and you’re scared that if you stop talking about your pooch 24/7, it will be like you don’t love him anymore, so let me help to ease your fears. I promise that even if you refrain from constantly talking about your dog while at work, your love for him will not fade. People in the office will still know that you’re a proud dog owner. It’s impossible for us to miss your devotion since you’ve wallpapered your cube in pictures of him, programmed a screen saver slide show of Pinchie’s greatest moments from the Spring of 2008 (which starts after every 30 seconds of inactivity) and put a large bumper sticker on the back of your Kia that reads, “Lord, help me be the person my dog thinks I am.” And then there’s your casual Friday attire. Everyone in the office is amazed at how many variations of t-shirts and sweatshirts you have with Pinchie’s face on them that read, “Proud to be – Pinchie’s Mommy!” All of these are direct indications that, YES, you love your dog VERY much.

Now all I’m asking is that you please show some restraint and respect for your fellow co-workers by knocking off the pooch talk while at work. Save the crazy dog-lady routine for those other nutjobs at doggy daycare.

Sincerely,

Your Co-Worker

 

 

Dear Annoying Co-Worker

Dear Annoying Co-Worker,

When we hear you typing it sounds like Evander Holyfield’s workout. Are you angry…or really PO’d that someone ate your Lean Cuisine out of the office refrigerator?

We just don’t think it’s right that we can hear you typing from 4 cubicles away. If you’re worried that the computer only responds to punching, worry not. A computer’s keyboard has greatly advanced since the days of the Smith Premier typewriter of the 19^th century. Today’s keyboard doesn’t require the same force it did when you wrote  letters to Franklin D. Roosevelt in your 20’s.  We also realize that you are less than 5 years away from retirement and well into AARP status, but that doesn’t mean that you should assault your keyboard and our ears by pounding on it as if it owes you money. 

Maybe you could take your keyboard home and practice touching each key more delicately. Or you could just do us all a favor and opt for an early retirement. This way you don’t have to change your ways (we know how scary the elderly are of change) and we won’t have to worry about your diaper leaking on our conference room chairs again. Either way, something needs to change.

Sincerely,

The ENTIRE office

PS. The building custodian would also appreciate it if you would stop leaving half full bottles of Ensure in the garbage can underneath your desk.