Okay, so this may be a disgusting topic, but it needs to be discussed.

I need to know which co-worker of mine frequently drops deuces in our shared restroom and then just gets up and leaves them there for everyone to see? I realize I’ve asked this question before, but I’ve never received an answer so I’m asking again.  PLEASE identify yourself for the DEUCE neglect-er that you are!

Are you quite proud of your creation and want to share it or something? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT! It never ceases to force my gag reflex into overdrive each time I walk into a stall only to find the masterpiece that you left behind. Isn’t flushing the toilet an automatic for you? It seems to be for the rest of the universe. Whoever was in charge of your toilet training should be sentenced to live the remaining years of his or her life in an outhouse that’s been frequently used by individuals suffering from IBS. 

We are all adults in this cube jungle! Last I checked, we work with no babies, toddlers, or elderly people who are unable to control their bowels or are so plagued by arthritis that they cannot position their hands to flush a toilet.

So please, stop the insanity! FLUSH YOUR DEUCES!

This is why you suck…

October 20, 2008

To some of those special co-workers out there…this ones for you!

This is why you suck…

You suck cuz you call me when an email would do just fine.

You suck cuz you stare at me with a look of disapproval when I walk in at five minutes after 8 am.

You suck cuz you comment on everyone and everything.

You suck cuz you wear Hawaiian shirts and/or mom jeans on casual Friday.

You suck cuz you listen to my phone conversations.

You suck cuz I can smell your dog on you.

You suck cuz you drank my last diet Pepsi…even when I put my initials on it.

You suck cuz you walk by my desk talking on your handsfree headset…take a seat please Mr. Cool.

You suck cuz you sneak up behind me in my cube and breathe heavily until I acknowledge your presence.

You suck cuz you stink up the restroom without even a courtesy flush.

You suck cuz you are CONSTANTLY offering me junk food and you won’t take no for an answer. I don’t want any of your candy corn, chocolate and peanut mix! It’s not because it’s not good, it’s only because I don’t want my ass to grow as big as your ass.

You suck cuz you frequently spit in the trash can underneath your desk. Can you hock your loogie a little quieter next time?

You suck cuz you take yourself WAY too seriously. I realize you are “supervising” two whole people now, but that doesn’t make you the boss of me!

Why do you pee so much?

October 8, 2008

I don’t know what it is, but I work with some women who frequent the restroom a little too frequently. In this cube jungle of ours,we have no real walls dividing us from each-other. Therefore, I hear you walking by my cube every fifteen minutes on your way to the restroom yet again. Are you bonging water from a personal Culligan dispenser? Is this why you are constantly in a Michael Phelps-like 100 meter race to the restroom? Seriously, put the liquids down, eat some salt or invest in some Poise pads (I hear they are superior in leak protection). It’s annoying to have you passing by me and peering in my cube each time you head off to relieve yourself. I know you are looking right at my screen to see what I’m really doing. This then forces me to minimize what I’m really doing (i.e. perezhilton.com, facebook.com, craiglist.com, etc) and do actual work. How dare you!?! I also think that peeing this often showcases a lack of discipline and control on your part and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if your supervisor mentioned this as a weakness during your next yearly review.

Just remember, you’re not getting paid to spend your day in the restroom and I don’t appreciate you messing up my daily routine of finding anything else to do besides work. Unfortunately for me, I’ve learned that excessive urinaters and narcs go hand in hand so you’re really effing up my work day.

 

(use me…don’t abuse me)

As if it isn’t bad enough that I am forced to spend 8-9 hours a day in this cube jungle with all of you, I now have to wonder who leaves behind the butt resin on the restroom toilet seats. I realize that this sounds crude, but how would you like being the one to walk into a restroom stall and see it first hand?  

Why is it so hard for adults to pick up after themselves? I’m trying really hard not to judge here and not ask where this “resin” is coming from. Instead, I only ask that after you are finished with your “business,” you turn around, flush the toilet and make sure that you didn’t leave anything behind. It’s only fair to everyone else. This also goes for you lovely ladies who must enjoy peeing on the toilet seats and/or leaving your “business” un-flushed for everyone to see. Whether you’re acting out because you weren’t held enough as a child or are doing it for attention in hopes of receiving some kind of praise for a job well done, it needs to stop.  Outside of the K9 world, marking your territory is seen as just plain gross.

They say that men are dirtier than women, but the women I work with seem to be working really hard to catch up!

You can dirty-up your bathroom all you want at home, just please pick up after yourself in the restroom at work.

Here are 5 ways to sit in your cubicle and appear as though you are working, even when you’re not:

  1. Always have papers with highlighted sections around you so that at any time you can pick one up and pretend to read intently.
  2. Always have something work-related minimized on your computer screen so that you can pull it up quickly when a co-worker or boss enters your cube. We realize you spend most of your time on social networking sites, shopping online and/or IMing with friends, but your boss and co-workers don’t have to know that.
  3. Practice looking as though you are in deep, analytical thought while looking at your computer screen. This way you look as though you care, even when you really don’t. You can obtain this look by squinting your eyes slightly while leaning in toward your screen. It also helps to rest your thumb on your chin while tapping your index finger on your lips.
  4. Respond to emails from your boss or manager promptly. This may mean you have to get off of your Myspace page or Perezhilton.com for a minute or two, but believe me…it’s worth it.
  5. Invest in a privacy screen for your computer. This is especially important if your back is toward the opening of your cube. That way when those nosey co-workers or managers approach your cube, they aren’t able to see exactly what you’re doing. It buys you some time to minimize your personal email or fantasy football team standings before anyone can make out what’s on your screen. If someone asks why you have a privacy sceen…and they will, tell them it’s really an ANTI-GLARE screen because the brightness of your computer screen was giving you “terrible” headaches.

Dear Annoying Co-Worker (You know who you are),
I realize that you REALLY, REALLY love your dog. I’ll even admit that your miniature pincher is somewhat cute, but I don’t care to hear about him EVERYDAY. Sure, I like animals too, but I definitely don’t need you updating me on personal pooch business like his diabetes, worms, or runny stool. Honestly, I’m not even sure what you want me to do with that kind of information. And I know it seems as though we have our own space in this cubicle jungle of ours, but really it’s just one big open room separated by pretend walls. I can hear all of your conversations and I think it’s unnecessary for you to ask your husband to put the telephone up to your dog’s ear so “Mommy can tell Pinchie she misses him” every afternoon. No offense, but gag me with a pooper scooper because hearing conversations like that makes it hard for me to swallow my Lean Cuisine Panini. Therefore, I am asking that you please stop immediately.
Now I know this won’t be easy for you and you’re scared that if you stop talking about your pooch 24/7, it will be like you don’t love him anymore, so let me help to ease your fears. I promise that even if you refrain from constantly talking about your dog while at work, your love for him will not fade. People in the office will still know that you’re a proud dog owner. It’s impossible for us to miss your devotion since you’ve wallpapered your cube in pictures of him, programmed a screen saver slide show of Pinchie’s greatest moments from the Spring of 2008 (which starts after every 30 seconds of inactivity) and put a large bumper sticker on the back of your Kia that reads, “Lord, help me be the person my dog thinks I am.” And then there’s your casual Friday attire. Everyone in the office is amazed at how many variations of t-shirts and sweatshirts you have with Pinchie’s face on them that read, “Proud to be – Pinchie’s Mommy!” All of these are direct indications that, YES, you love your dog VERY much.

Now all I’m asking is that you please show some restraint and respect for your fellow co-workers by knocking off the pooch talk while at work. Save the crazy dog-lady routine for those other nutjobs at doggy daycare.

Sincerely,

Your Co-Worker
 

 

Dear Annoying Co-Worker,

When we hear you typing it sounds like Evander Holyfield’s workout. Are you angry…or really PO’d that someone ate your Lean Cuisine out of the office refrigerator?

We just don’t think it’s right that we can hear you typing from 4 cubicles away. If you’re worried that the computer only responds to punching, worry not. A computer’s keyboard has greatly advanced since the days of the Smith Premier typewriter of the 19th century. Today’s keyboard doesn’t require the same force it did when you wrote  letters to Franklin D. Roosevelt in your 20’s.  We also realize that you are less than 5 years away from retirement and well into AARP status, but that doesn’t mean that you should assault your keyboard and our ears by pounding on it as if it owes you money. 

Maybe you could take your keyboard home and practice touching each key more delicately. Or you could just do us all a favor and opt for an early retirement. This way you don’t have to change your ways (we know how scary the elderly are of change) and we won’t have to worry about your diaper leaking on our conference room chairs again. Either way, something needs to change.

Sincerely,

The ENTIRE office

PS. The building custodian would also appreciate it if you would stop leaving half full bottles of Ensure in the garbage can underneath your desk.