It never fails that each day as I leave work at the 5 pm official dismissal, I am bombarded with waves goodbye from my co-workers. These waves never seem to cease until I acknowledge them, wave back and say something like “see you tomorrow” or “have a good night.” Even when I’m in my car, pulling out of our parking lot, the waves continue from car to car. Sometimes, holding up the traffic exiting the lot. Okay enough is enough. Why are we remaining so cordial and kind? We all know we just want to get the hell out of here and into our homes so that we can cry, get drunk, drugged, obsessively eat, gamble, exercise, or surf the web for porn. Anything to escape the soul-crushing reality that we have to do this all over again tomorrow.

So please, don’t hold up my time getting out of here. I’ll see you tomorrow so save your wave and please get out of my way.

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Okay, so this may be a disgusting topic, but it needs to be discussed.

I need to know which co-worker of mine frequently drops deuces in our shared restroom and then just gets up and leaves them there for everyone to see? I realize I’ve asked this question before, but I’ve never received an answer so I’m asking again.  PLEASE identify yourself for the DEUCE neglect-er that you are!

Are you quite proud of your creation and want to share it or something? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT! It never ceases to force my gag reflex into overdrive each time I walk into a stall only to find the masterpiece that you left behind. Isn’t flushing the toilet an automatic for you? It seems to be for the rest of the universe. Whoever was in charge of your toilet training should be sentenced to live the remaining years of his or her life in an outhouse that’s been frequently used by individuals suffering from IBS. 

We are all adults in this cube jungle! Last I checked, we work with no babies, toddlers, or elderly people who are unable to control their bowels or are so plagued by arthritis that they cannot position their hands to flush a toilet.

So please, stop the insanity! FLUSH YOUR DEUCES!

This is just great! And oh so true. Younger people in offices across the US care very little about office bs…we’d rather you just leave us alone and give us more days off!

Click on the link below and check out this video from The Onion News Network.

Study Finds Young People Remain Apathetic About Office Politics

Dear Annoying Co-Worker,

When we hear you typing it sounds like Evander Holyfield’s workout. Are you angry…or really PO’d that someone ate your Lean Cuisine out of the office refrigerator?

We just don’t think it’s right that we can hear you typing from 4 cubicles away. If you’re worried that the computer only responds to punching, worry not. A computer’s keyboard has greatly advanced since the days of the Smith Premier typewriter of the 19th century. Today’s keyboard doesn’t require the same force it did when you wrote  letters to Franklin D. Roosevelt in your 20’s.  We also realize that you are less than 5 years away from retirement and well into AARP status, but that doesn’t mean that you should assault your keyboard and our ears by pounding on it as if it owes you money. 

Maybe you could take your keyboard home and practice touching each key more delicately. Or you could just do us all a favor and opt for an early retirement. This way you don’t have to change your ways (we know how scary the elderly are of change) and we won’t have to worry about your diaper leaking on our conference room chairs again. Either way, something needs to change.

Sincerely,

The ENTIRE office

PS. The building custodian would also appreciate it if you would stop leaving half full bottles of Ensure in the garbage can underneath your desk.