Okay, so this may be a disgusting topic, but it needs to be discussed.

I need to know which co-worker of mine frequently drops deuces in our shared restroom and then just gets up and leaves them there for everyone to see? I realize I’ve asked this question before, but I’ve never received an answer so I’m asking again.  PLEASE identify yourself for the DEUCE neglect-er that you are!

Are you quite proud of your creation and want to share it or something? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT! It never ceases to force my gag reflex into overdrive each time I walk into a stall only to find the masterpiece that you left behind. Isn’t flushing the toilet an automatic for you? It seems to be for the rest of the universe. Whoever was in charge of your toilet training should be sentenced to live the remaining years of his or her life in an outhouse that’s been frequently used by individuals suffering from IBS. 

We are all adults in this cube jungle! Last I checked, we work with no babies, toddlers, or elderly people who are unable to control their bowels or are so plagued by arthritis that they cannot position their hands to flush a toilet.

So please, stop the insanity! FLUSH YOUR DEUCES!

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I sometimes become so tired of the constant commentary of my co-workers. It seems that I am constantly subjected to their feelings, thoughts and annoyances. Here’s what I would like to tell them:

I realize that we work closely in this cube jungle, but that does not mean that you need to announce to everyone when your stomach hurts, when you’re tired or when you think it’s “so chilly” in the office today. What should I do with this information? I can give you some Pepto, refer you to a Redbull or advise you to bring a light jacket with you to work, but that’s about it. And frankly, I don’t really want to have to do any of these things. I would just prefer that you put a hush on the constant commentary and instead save it for your journal, your supposed “friends” you speak of or your spouse. Why should I have to suffer through listening to your constant babbling, I didn’t choose to work with you. Save it for someone who chooses to be around you and not those who are merely paid to be near you.

Information that I wish my co-workers would stop sharing with me:

  • I’m tired,
  • I’m cold
  •  I’m bored
  •  I’m hungry
  •  I miss my kids
  •  I have cramps
  •  I don’t believe in global warming,
  • I like my feet
  •  I have a rash
  •  I love pizza
  • I’m going on vacation
  • My kid did this or that
  •  My dog is so cute
  • My house won’t sell
  •  My in-laws are annoying
  •  I am lonely
  •  My boyfriend cheated on me
  •  My cat’s breath smells like cat-food
  •  I’m voting for…
  • I’m going to the Celine Dion concert
  •  Here is what I’m doing this weekend…
  • My feet hurt
  •  I want to go home
  •  My boss is a douche bag
  •  I am depressed
  •  I forgot to take my anti-depressants today
  •  I think I may be pregnant
  •  My mom never loved me
  •  I miss my cats
  • My stapler is missing
  •  My dentures stink
  •  I have no money
  •  I can’t go to the bathroom
  •  I think I’m in love with the building custodian
  •  I think my ovaries are dead
  •  I like the smell of methamphetamines in the morning
  •  The water in the cooler tastes funny
  •  I got so wasted last night
  •  I never learned how to read and I enjoy getting high off of Dust-Off
  • I think my son or daughter is gay
  • I think my husband is gay
  • I’ve accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior
  • I prefer diet dr. pepper to regular dr. pepper