Okay, so this may be a disgusting topic, but it needs to be discussed.

I need to know which co-worker of mine frequently drops deuces in our shared restroom and then just gets up and leaves them there for everyone to see? I realize I’ve asked this question before, but I’ve never received an answer so I’m asking again.  PLEASE identify yourself for the DEUCE neglect-er that you are!

Are you quite proud of your creation and want to share it or something? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT! It never ceases to force my gag reflex into overdrive each time I walk into a stall only to find the masterpiece that you left behind. Isn’t flushing the toilet an automatic for you? It seems to be for the rest of the universe. Whoever was in charge of your toilet training should be sentenced to live the remaining years of his or her life in an outhouse that’s been frequently used by individuals suffering from IBS. 

We are all adults in this cube jungle! Last I checked, we work with no babies, toddlers, or elderly people who are unable to control their bowels or are so plagued by arthritis that they cannot position their hands to flush a toilet.

So please, stop the insanity! FLUSH YOUR DEUCES!


This is why you suck…

October 20, 2008

To some of those special co-workers out there…this ones for you!

This is why you suck…

You suck cuz you call me when an email would do just fine.

You suck cuz you stare at me with a look of disapproval when I walk in at five minutes after 8 am.

You suck cuz you comment on everyone and everything.

You suck cuz you wear Hawaiian shirts and/or mom jeans on casual Friday.

You suck cuz you listen to my phone conversations.

You suck cuz I can smell your dog on you.

You suck cuz you drank my last diet Pepsi…even when I put my initials on it.

You suck cuz you walk by my desk talking on your handsfree headset…take a seat please Mr. Cool.

You suck cuz you sneak up behind me in my cube and breathe heavily until I acknowledge your presence.

You suck cuz you stink up the restroom without even a courtesy flush.

You suck cuz you are CONSTANTLY offering me junk food and you won’t take no for an answer. I don’t want any of your candy corn, chocolate and peanut mix! It’s not because it’s not good, it’s only because I don’t want my ass to grow as big as your ass.

You suck cuz you frequently spit in the trash can underneath your desk. Can you hock your loogie a little quieter next time?

You suck cuz you take yourself WAY too seriously. I realize you are “supervising” two whole people now, but that doesn’t make you the boss of me!

Have you ever entered the restroom at your office only to find that one of your co-workers was in too big of a hurry to flush the toilet? I guess that 10 a.m. meeting was more important to your co-worker than protecting you from the infinite nightmares that the sight of his or her bowel movements will cause. I think we’ve all had to bear witness to what can happen when a co-worker’s lunch trip to Taco Bell goes terribly wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the occasional need for haste, but only in the event of an office fire or the invasion of a bomb squad into your stall who then demand that you exit your stall without flushing or risk blowing up the entire building (hell, in that situation, I’d even excuse you from washing your hands). However, in all other occasions, it’s necessary to flush your business before exiting your stall. If not because out of habit, do it because it’s the right thing to do.


The solution to this problem is to institute a MANDATORY courtesy flush for all offices. The courtesy flush makes it so that you will never have to be exposed to the intestinal excrements of your co-workers or be forced to spend another visit to the restroom pinching your nostrils closed in hopes no scent sneaks in. Remember that it’s rather difficult to maneuver through all of your “restroom responsibilites” with only one free hand. I mean, why should I have to enter a stall that my boss has just been in only to find that she had consumed a ridiculous amount of corn this past week? After an experience like that, I find it hard to respect a woman who eats corn like it’s her job and then doesn’t take care of her own business.


 A mandatory courtesy flush also protects you from having to listen to the unique sounds that come from your co-workers while sitting on the toilet. This is especially important for those mouth breathers and grunters out there, who for some reason seem to take great delight in letting everyone in the restroom know exactly how hard they’re trying.  Your fellow restroom buddies would much prefer those sounds be masked by the crisp clean sweep of a flushing toilet. Sure, it may not be the most green of tasks, but it protects your co-workers from receiving embarrassing nicknames like Butt-horn Bob or Drop-em Loud Lori. As long as you or your co-workers participate in other more green activities such as recycling, you will be forgiven by Mother Earth for your frequent flushing. Even the hipest of hippies realizes that if it’s yellow, let it mellow. However, if it’s brown, flush it down.


 All I’m really asking is that you flush frequently so that you aren’t considered the smelly co-worker who also makes loud rectal noises in the bathroom thereby making it impossible for anyone else to relax and do his or her business. Here’s a good rule of thumb – We understand that sometimes it takes time to get your business done, but if you’ve been sitting on the brown for any longer than for 4 minutes, it’s time to flush it down.


 Do the right thing by and make the courtesy flush a habit.


 PS…Once you’ve perfected the courtesy flush, maybe you could work on your yellow aim. I’m tired of seeing pee on the seat and floor around the toilet. It’s not the free throw line at NBA playoffs, Shaq! There is no logical reason why you can’t make it into the toilet.