Why do you pee so much?

October 8, 2008

I don’t know what it is, but I work with some women who frequent the restroom a little too frequently. In this cube jungle of ours,we have no real walls dividing us from each-other. Therefore, I hear you walking by my cube every fifteen minutes on your way to the restroom yet again. Are you bonging water from a personal Culligan dispenser? Is this why you are constantly in a Michael Phelps-like 100 meter race to the restroom? Seriously, put the liquids down, eat some salt or invest in some Poise pads (I hear they are superior in leak protection). It’s annoying to have you passing by me and peering in my cube each time you head off to relieve yourself. I know you are looking right at my screen to see what I’m really doing. This then forces me to minimize what I’m really doing (i.e. perezhilton.com, facebook.com, craiglist.com, etc) and do actual work. How dare you!?! I also think that peeing this often showcases a lack of discipline and control on your part and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if your supervisor mentioned this as a weakness during your next yearly review.

Just remember, you’re not getting paid to spend your day in the restroom and I don’t appreciate you messing up my daily routine of finding anything else to do besides work. Unfortunately for me, I’ve learned that excessive urinaters and narcs go hand in hand so you’re really effing up my work day.

 

Ever wonder if those co-workers of yours who walk around with a perma-Bluetooth in their ears ever give their ears a rest? 

Have they received a prescription from their primary doctors recommending a 24 hour a day of Bluetooth treatment or did we, the non perma-Bluetooth users, seem to miss the memo that mandated a Bluetooth be securely fastened to our ears at all times? Even outside of the office you spot these co-workers at Chipotle over lunch or at Target on the weekends, and their Bluetooth’s are still stuck in their ears.  It’s Sunday and you’re shopping for Huggies so why do you need the Bluetooth in your ear.? Are you expecting a call from the Pentagon…or Heaven? Could their Bluetooth really be a bomb that if removed will blow up everything within a 20 mile radius? Or is it stuck? Because if it is, I’d gladly help you remove it.

It seems as though these people have an unhealthy relationship with their Bluetooths. It’s as unhealthy as those sisters you knew in high school who would sometimes kiss each other at parties to get attention.

There also seems to be an arrogant swagger that those addicted to their Bluetooths have. It’s like by constantly wearing their Bluetooths, they’re saying, “I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN ALL THE LAND and something more important than you is bound to come up.” Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I respond to a “hi “or “how are you” that I think is directed toward me, only to (cheeks burning in humiliation) find out that the salutation was intended for the person on the other end of my co-worker’s Bluetooth. It’s like when you see someone in the distance waving at you and you eagerly wave back, but soon realize that this person was actually waving to the person behind you. It’s confusing and just plain rude.

 Therefore, I advise all of you who are addicted to your Bluetooths to prove to your co-workers and society that you’re not some self-important douche who compares what you do for a paycheck to that of some sort of a Messiah by letting your ear breathe when you are not talking on your Bluetooth.  I personally promise you that the world will keep spinning, AIDS will still exist, babies will still be born, and time travel will still be seen only in the movies, even if you miss a call.

Here are some signs that you may have an UNHEALTHY relationship with your Bluetooth:

·     Your son or daughter try to converse with you in person and you say, “Daddy only answers to his Bluetooth, sweetie.”

·     While having relations with your husband, you tell him to “hold please” and then take the call that just came in on your Bluetooth.

·     You wear a shower cap while swimming or showering in order to protect your Bluetooth from water damage.

·     Your friends have to explain to the bartender that you are actually just talking loudly to someone on your beloved Bluetooth and no, you did not just call him an asshole.

·     You’ve been saving quite a bit of money on q-tips since you now only clean your left ear because your Bluetooth is protecting your right ear AT ALL TIMES.

·     You consider your Bluetooth your one and only true love. You even frequently say to your wife or husband, “If only you were more like my Bluetooth.”