Eating at your desk…

April 9, 2009

It never fails that every time I decide to eat lunch at my desk one of my coworkers will walk up to me and want to smell my lunch.  They usually approach with their noses leading the way and say, “Yum, that smells good. What is it?” while they lean over my food and invade my personal space.  I can’t understand the curiosity since what I’m eating is never interesting or even tasty for that matter. I usually eat Lean Cuisines or Healthy Choice lunches at my desk and we all know how delicious those are. But despite dining on pre-packaged frozen garbage, my coworkers can’t help but peak in my cube and breath in its microwaved aroma. And their curiosity only depresses me more because it conjures up memories of a simpler and skinnier time when I could go out for lunch and eat normal food like sandwiches, tacos and pizza without having to worry about the extra pounds and chins this type of food will cause. And their disturbance also forces me back to the work day reality that it’s only lunch time and that I’m stuck in my cube for another 5 long hours.

Maybe I'd rather just be fat.

Maybe I'd rather just be fat.

Okay, so this may be a disgusting topic, but it needs to be discussed.

I need to know which co-worker of mine frequently drops deuces in our shared restroom and then just gets up and leaves them there for everyone to see? I realize I’ve asked this question before, but I’ve never received an answer so I’m asking again.  PLEASE identify yourself for the DEUCE neglect-er that you are!

Are you quite proud of your creation and want to share it or something? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT! It never ceases to force my gag reflex into overdrive each time I walk into a stall only to find the masterpiece that you left behind. Isn’t flushing the toilet an automatic for you? It seems to be for the rest of the universe. Whoever was in charge of your toilet training should be sentenced to live the remaining years of his or her life in an outhouse that’s been frequently used by individuals suffering from IBS. 

We are all adults in this cube jungle! Last I checked, we work with no babies, toddlers, or elderly people who are unable to control their bowels or are so plagued by arthritis that they cannot position their hands to flush a toilet.

So please, stop the insanity! FLUSH YOUR DEUCES!

Why do you pee so much?

October 8, 2008

I don’t know what it is, but I work with some women who frequent the restroom a little too frequently. In this cube jungle of ours,we have no real walls dividing us from each-other. Therefore, I hear you walking by my cube every fifteen minutes on your way to the restroom yet again. Are you bonging water from a personal Culligan dispenser? Is this why you are constantly in a Michael Phelps-like 100 meter race to the restroom? Seriously, put the liquids down, eat some salt or invest in some Poise pads (I hear they are superior in leak protection). It’s annoying to have you passing by me and peering in my cube each time you head off to relieve yourself. I know you are looking right at my screen to see what I’m really doing. This then forces me to minimize what I’m really doing (i.e. perezhilton.com, facebook.com, craiglist.com, etc) and do actual work. How dare you!?! I also think that peeing this often showcases a lack of discipline and control on your part and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if your supervisor mentioned this as a weakness during your next yearly review.

Just remember, you’re not getting paid to spend your day in the restroom and I don’t appreciate you messing up my daily routine of finding anything else to do besides work. Unfortunately for me, I’ve learned that excessive urinaters and narcs go hand in hand so you’re really effing up my work day.

I sometimes become so tired of the constant commentary of my co-workers. It seems that I am constantly subjected to their feelings, thoughts and annoyances. Here’s what I would like to tell them:

I realize that we work closely in this cube jungle, but that does not mean that you need to announce to everyone when your stomach hurts, when you’re tired or when you think it’s “so chilly” in the office today. What should I do with this information? I can give you some Pepto, refer you to a Redbull or advise you to bring a light jacket with you to work, but that’s about it. And frankly, I don’t really want to have to do any of these things. I would just prefer that you put a hush on the constant commentary and instead save it for your journal, your supposed “friends” you speak of or your spouse. Why should I have to suffer through listening to your constant babbling, I didn’t choose to work with you. Save it for someone who chooses to be around you and not those who are merely paid to be near you.

Information that I wish my co-workers would stop sharing with me:

  • I’m tired,
  • I’m cold
  •  I’m bored
  •  I’m hungry
  •  I miss my kids
  •  I have cramps
  •  I don’t believe in global warming,
  • I like my feet
  •  I have a rash
  •  I love pizza
  • I’m going on vacation
  • My kid did this or that
  •  My dog is so cute
  • My house won’t sell
  •  My in-laws are annoying
  •  I am lonely
  •  My boyfriend cheated on me
  •  My cat’s breath smells like cat-food
  •  I’m voting for…
  • I’m going to the Celine Dion concert
  •  Here is what I’m doing this weekend…
  • My feet hurt
  •  I want to go home
  •  My boss is a douche bag
  •  I am depressed
  •  I forgot to take my anti-depressants today
  •  I think I may be pregnant
  •  My mom never loved me
  •  I miss my cats
  • My stapler is missing
  •  My dentures stink
  •  I have no money
  •  I can’t go to the bathroom
  •  I think I’m in love with the building custodian
  •  I think my ovaries are dead
  •  I like the smell of methamphetamines in the morning
  •  The water in the cooler tastes funny
  •  I got so wasted last night
  •  I never learned how to read and I enjoy getting high off of Dust-Off
  • I think my son or daughter is gay
  • I think my husband is gay
  • I’ve accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior
  • I prefer diet dr. pepper to regular dr. pepper

Have you ever entered the restroom at your office only to find that one of your co-workers was in too big of a hurry to flush the toilet? I guess that 10 a.m. meeting was more important to your co-worker than protecting you from the infinite nightmares that the sight of his or her bowel movements will cause. I think we’ve all had to bear witness to what can happen when a co-worker’s lunch trip to Taco Bell goes terribly wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the occasional need for haste, but only in the event of an office fire or the invasion of a bomb squad into your stall who then demand that you exit your stall without flushing or risk blowing up the entire building (hell, in that situation, I’d even excuse you from washing your hands). However, in all other occasions, it’s necessary to flush your business before exiting your stall. If not because out of habit, do it because it’s the right thing to do.

 

The solution to this problem is to institute a MANDATORY courtesy flush for all offices. The courtesy flush makes it so that you will never have to be exposed to the intestinal excrements of your co-workers or be forced to spend another visit to the restroom pinching your nostrils closed in hopes no scent sneaks in. Remember that it’s rather difficult to maneuver through all of your “restroom responsibilites” with only one free hand. I mean, why should I have to enter a stall that my boss has just been in only to find that she had consumed a ridiculous amount of corn this past week? After an experience like that, I find it hard to respect a woman who eats corn like it’s her job and then doesn’t take care of her own business.

 

 A mandatory courtesy flush also protects you from having to listen to the unique sounds that come from your co-workers while sitting on the toilet. This is especially important for those mouth breathers and grunters out there, who for some reason seem to take great delight in letting everyone in the restroom know exactly how hard they’re trying.  Your fellow restroom buddies would much prefer those sounds be masked by the crisp clean sweep of a flushing toilet. Sure, it may not be the most green of tasks, but it protects your co-workers from receiving embarrassing nicknames like Butt-horn Bob or Drop-em Loud Lori. As long as you or your co-workers participate in other more green activities such as recycling, you will be forgiven by Mother Earth for your frequent flushing. Even the hipest of hippies realizes that if it’s yellow, let it mellow. However, if it’s brown, flush it down.

 

 All I’m really asking is that you flush frequently so that you aren’t considered the smelly co-worker who also makes loud rectal noises in the bathroom thereby making it impossible for anyone else to relax and do his or her business. Here’s a good rule of thumb – We understand that sometimes it takes time to get your business done, but if you’ve been sitting on the brown for any longer than for 4 minutes, it’s time to flush it down.

 

 Do the right thing by and make the courtesy flush a habit.

 

 PS…Once you’ve perfected the courtesy flush, maybe you could work on your yellow aim. I’m tired of seeing pee on the seat and floor around the toilet. It’s not the free throw line at NBA playoffs, Shaq! There is no logical reason why you can’t make it into the toilet.

 

Ever wonder if those co-workers of yours who walk around with a perma-Bluetooth in their ears ever give their ears a rest? 

Have they received a prescription from their primary doctors recommending a 24 hour a day of Bluetooth treatment or did we, the non perma-Bluetooth users, seem to miss the memo that mandated a Bluetooth be securely fastened to our ears at all times? Even outside of the office you spot these co-workers at Chipotle over lunch or at Target on the weekends, and their Bluetooth’s are still stuck in their ears.  It’s Sunday and you’re shopping for Huggies so why do you need the Bluetooth in your ear.? Are you expecting a call from the Pentagon…or Heaven? Could their Bluetooth really be a bomb that if removed will blow up everything within a 20 mile radius? Or is it stuck? Because if it is, I’d gladly help you remove it.

It seems as though these people have an unhealthy relationship with their Bluetooths. It’s as unhealthy as those sisters you knew in high school who would sometimes kiss each other at parties to get attention.

There also seems to be an arrogant swagger that those addicted to their Bluetooths have. It’s like by constantly wearing their Bluetooths, they’re saying, “I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN ALL THE LAND and something more important than you is bound to come up.” Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I respond to a “hi “or “how are you” that I think is directed toward me, only to (cheeks burning in humiliation) find out that the salutation was intended for the person on the other end of my co-worker’s Bluetooth. It’s like when you see someone in the distance waving at you and you eagerly wave back, but soon realize that this person was actually waving to the person behind you. It’s confusing and just plain rude.

 Therefore, I advise all of you who are addicted to your Bluetooths to prove to your co-workers and society that you’re not some self-important douche who compares what you do for a paycheck to that of some sort of a Messiah by letting your ear breathe when you are not talking on your Bluetooth.  I personally promise you that the world will keep spinning, AIDS will still exist, babies will still be born, and time travel will still be seen only in the movies, even if you miss a call.

Here are some signs that you may have an UNHEALTHY relationship with your Bluetooth:

·     Your son or daughter try to converse with you in person and you say, “Daddy only answers to his Bluetooth, sweetie.”

·     While having relations with your husband, you tell him to “hold please” and then take the call that just came in on your Bluetooth.

·     You wear a shower cap while swimming or showering in order to protect your Bluetooth from water damage.

·     Your friends have to explain to the bartender that you are actually just talking loudly to someone on your beloved Bluetooth and no, you did not just call him an asshole.

·     You’ve been saving quite a bit of money on q-tips since you now only clean your left ear because your Bluetooth is protecting your right ear AT ALL TIMES.

·     You consider your Bluetooth your one and only true love. You even frequently say to your wife or husband, “If only you were more like my Bluetooth.”