(use me…don’t abuse me)

As if it isn’t bad enough that I am forced to spend 8-9 hours a day in this cube jungle with all of you, I now have to wonder who leaves behind the butt resin on the restroom toilet seats. I realize that this sounds crude, but how would you like being the one to walk into a restroom stall and see it first hand?  

Why is it so hard for adults to pick up after themselves? I’m trying really hard not to judge here and not ask where this “resin” is coming from. Instead, I only ask that after you are finished with your “business,” you turn around, flush the toilet and make sure that you didn’t leave anything behind. It’s only fair to everyone else. This also goes for you lovely ladies who must enjoy peeing on the toilet seats and/or leaving your “business” un-flushed for everyone to see. Whether you’re acting out because you weren’t held enough as a child or are doing it for attention in hopes of receiving some kind of praise for a job well done, it needs to stop.  Outside of the K9 world, marking your territory is seen as just plain gross.

They say that men are dirtier than women, but the women I work with seem to be working really hard to catch up!

You can dirty-up your bathroom all you want at home, just please pick up after yourself in the restroom at work.

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Here are 5 ways to sit in your cubicle and appear as though you are working, even when you’re not:

  1. Always have papers with highlighted sections around you so that at any time you can pick one up and pretend to read intently.
  2. Always have something work-related minimized on your computer screen so that you can pull it up quickly when a co-worker or boss enters your cube. We realize you spend most of your time on social networking sites, shopping online and/or IMing with friends, but your boss and co-workers don’t have to know that.
  3. Practice looking as though you are in deep, analytical thought while looking at your computer screen. This way you look as though you care, even when you really don’t. You can obtain this look by squinting your eyes slightly while leaning in toward your screen. It also helps to rest your thumb on your chin while tapping your index finger on your lips.
  4. Respond to emails from your boss or manager promptly. This may mean you have to get off of your Myspace page or Perezhilton.com for a minute or two, but believe me…it’s worth it.
  5. Invest in a privacy screen for your computer. This is especially important if your back is toward the opening of your cube. That way when those nosey co-workers or managers approach your cube, they aren’t able to see exactly what you’re doing. It buys you some time to minimize your personal email or fantasy football team standings before anyone can make out what’s on your screen. If someone asks why you have a privacy sceen…and they will, tell them it’s really an ANTI-GLARE screen because the brightness of your computer screen was giving you “terrible” headaches.

When I’m “sick”

July 11, 2008

When you take a “sick” day from work, it can be for a number of reasons. Maybe you have a cold, flu, or the Ebola virus. Or maybe you had a migraine, or were sitting home popping Pepto-Bismol due to nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, or diarrhea. Sometimes you take a “sick” day simply because you desperately need a mental break from your office/job. Either way, if your company affords you sick days, use them.

The only thing I hate is when you take a sick day and then spend the entire next day at work answering questions about your 24-48 hour “sickness.” Managers, co-workers, and sometimes even the building custodians ask – Feeling better today, What was wrong with you, or my favorite Were you really feeling sick or just sick of us? As funny as that question may sound in your manager or co-worker’s head, it’s NEVER that funny to you. All it insinuates is…I don’t really believe you were sick.

And in every office, there’s those one or two of those people in your office who have to know EVERYTHING that’s going on with EVERYONE at all times. They’re the ones who when they catch you eating lunch at your desk ALWAYS ask – What’s for lunch and then peer over your shoulder and practically inhale your food. Or they are the same ones who notice when you’re late or leave early and make comments like – I see you got out of here early last Friday or Don’t worry I don’t think anyone else noticed you were running late this morning and then smile.  It must give them some sort of purpose to be in everyone’s business. They were most likely those kids in school who would remind the teacher that he or she forgot to assign homework or kept us in class after the bell with one more “important” question that just couldn’t wait.  I’ve never understood this nosey co-workers and nor do I want to. However, I do want to ask – WHAT DOES IT MATTER??

Once a manager even called me while I was at home sick and asked – Weren’t you just sick a couple of months ago?  To which my response was yes, and I’m sick again. In fact I had been sick two months prior to that with bronchitis and guess what, it came back. Sometimes that happens. I even had doctor’s notes for my absence and was on antibiotics. I also found it strange that my boss would even ask a question like that since I provided doctor’s notes each time I was out of the office for more than 1 day, which was rare, but that year I had the misfortune of contracting bronchitis twice.

The company affords me so many sick days and I’d be a fool not to use them. Maybe as a kid we were rewarded for perfect attendance at school, but in the workforce you’re awarded nothing for perfect attendance. If anything, you are taken advantage of and over utilized if you are in attendance each and every day. That is why YES, I take sick days. And NO, I don’t appreciate people commenting on them. Save your compassionate inquiries regarding my well-being because obviously I’m better if I’m back at work today…right? Save the how are you feeling questions for sometime when I’m out of the office for a substantial amount of time. Like if I were to be bitten by a rattlesnake or hospitalized for salmonella.

Sometimes I wonder why some companies even offer sick time if they are just going to treat you like a felon each time you take a sick day or two. Whether I’m sick, tired, hung over, or de-toxing, it’s NONE of anyone’s business because I am only taking time that is rightfully mine.  So please quit asking me if I was really sick or if I’m feeling better today or I’ll call in sick permanently.