This is why you suck…

October 20, 2008

To some of those special co-workers out there…this ones for you!

This is why you suck…

You suck cuz you call me when an email would do just fine.

You suck cuz you stare at me with a look of disapproval when I walk in at five minutes after 8 am.

You suck cuz you comment on everyone and everything.

You suck cuz you wear Hawaiian shirts and/or mom jeans on casual Friday.

You suck cuz you listen to my phone conversations.

You suck cuz I can smell your dog on you.

You suck cuz you drank my last diet Pepsi…even when I put my initials on it.

You suck cuz you walk by my desk talking on your handsfree headset…take a seat please Mr. Cool.

You suck cuz you sneak up behind me in my cube and breathe heavily until I acknowledge your presence.

You suck cuz you stink up the restroom without even a courtesy flush.

You suck cuz you are CONSTANTLY offering me junk food and you won’t take no for an answer. I don’t want any of your candy corn, chocolate and peanut mix! It’s not because it’s not good, it’s only because I don’t want my ass to grow as big as your ass.

You suck cuz you frequently spit in the trash can underneath your desk. Can you hock your loogie a little quieter next time?

You suck cuz you take yourself WAY too seriously. I realize you are “supervising” two whole people now, but that doesn’t make you the boss of me!

Have you ever entered the restroom at your office only to find that one of your co-workers was in too big of a hurry to flush the toilet? I guess that 10 a.m. meeting was more important to your co-worker than protecting you from the infinite nightmares that the sight of his or her bowel movements will cause. I think we’ve all had to bear witness to what can happen when a co-worker’s lunch trip to Taco Bell goes terribly wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the occasional need for haste, but only in the event of an office fire or the invasion of a bomb squad into your stall who then demand that you exit your stall without flushing or risk blowing up the entire building (hell, in that situation, I’d even excuse you from washing your hands). However, in all other occasions, it’s necessary to flush your business before exiting your stall. If not because out of habit, do it because it’s the right thing to do.

 

The solution to this problem is to institute a MANDATORY courtesy flush for all offices. The courtesy flush makes it so that you will never have to be exposed to the intestinal excrements of your co-workers or be forced to spend another visit to the restroom pinching your nostrils closed in hopes no scent sneaks in. Remember that it’s rather difficult to maneuver through all of your “restroom responsibilites” with only one free hand. I mean, why should I have to enter a stall that my boss has just been in only to find that she had consumed a ridiculous amount of corn this past week? After an experience like that, I find it hard to respect a woman who eats corn like it’s her job and then doesn’t take care of her own business.

 

 A mandatory courtesy flush also protects you from having to listen to the unique sounds that come from your co-workers while sitting on the toilet. This is especially important for those mouth breathers and grunters out there, who for some reason seem to take great delight in letting everyone in the restroom know exactly how hard they’re trying.  Your fellow restroom buddies would much prefer those sounds be masked by the crisp clean sweep of a flushing toilet. Sure, it may not be the most green of tasks, but it protects your co-workers from receiving embarrassing nicknames like Butt-horn Bob or Drop-em Loud Lori. As long as you or your co-workers participate in other more green activities such as recycling, you will be forgiven by Mother Earth for your frequent flushing. Even the hipest of hippies realizes that if it’s yellow, let it mellow. However, if it’s brown, flush it down.

 

 All I’m really asking is that you flush frequently so that you aren’t considered the smelly co-worker who also makes loud rectal noises in the bathroom thereby making it impossible for anyone else to relax and do his or her business. Here’s a good rule of thumb – We understand that sometimes it takes time to get your business done, but if you’ve been sitting on the brown for any longer than for 4 minutes, it’s time to flush it down.

 

 Do the right thing by and make the courtesy flush a habit.

 

 PS…Once you’ve perfected the courtesy flush, maybe you could work on your yellow aim. I’m tired of seeing pee on the seat and floor around the toilet. It’s not the free throw line at NBA playoffs, Shaq! There is no logical reason why you can’t make it into the toilet.

 

Ever wonder if those co-workers of yours who walk around with a perma-Bluetooth in their ears ever give their ears a rest? 

Have they received a prescription from their primary doctors recommending a 24 hour a day of Bluetooth treatment or did we, the non perma-Bluetooth users, seem to miss the memo that mandated a Bluetooth be securely fastened to our ears at all times? Even outside of the office you spot these co-workers at Chipotle over lunch or at Target on the weekends, and their Bluetooth’s are still stuck in their ears.  It’s Sunday and you’re shopping for Huggies so why do you need the Bluetooth in your ear.? Are you expecting a call from the Pentagon…or Heaven? Could their Bluetooth really be a bomb that if removed will blow up everything within a 20 mile radius? Or is it stuck? Because if it is, I’d gladly help you remove it.

It seems as though these people have an unhealthy relationship with their Bluetooths. It’s as unhealthy as those sisters you knew in high school who would sometimes kiss each other at parties to get attention.

There also seems to be an arrogant swagger that those addicted to their Bluetooths have. It’s like by constantly wearing their Bluetooths, they’re saying, “I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN ALL THE LAND and something more important than you is bound to come up.” Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I respond to a “hi “or “how are you” that I think is directed toward me, only to (cheeks burning in humiliation) find out that the salutation was intended for the person on the other end of my co-worker’s Bluetooth. It’s like when you see someone in the distance waving at you and you eagerly wave back, but soon realize that this person was actually waving to the person behind you. It’s confusing and just plain rude.

 Therefore, I advise all of you who are addicted to your Bluetooths to prove to your co-workers and society that you’re not some self-important douche who compares what you do for a paycheck to that of some sort of a Messiah by letting your ear breathe when you are not talking on your Bluetooth.  I personally promise you that the world will keep spinning, AIDS will still exist, babies will still be born, and time travel will still be seen only in the movies, even if you miss a call.

Here are some signs that you may have an UNHEALTHY relationship with your Bluetooth:

·     Your son or daughter try to converse with you in person and you say, “Daddy only answers to his Bluetooth, sweetie.”

·     While having relations with your husband, you tell him to “hold please” and then take the call that just came in on your Bluetooth.

·     You wear a shower cap while swimming or showering in order to protect your Bluetooth from water damage.

·     Your friends have to explain to the bartender that you are actually just talking loudly to someone on your beloved Bluetooth and no, you did not just call him an asshole.

·     You’ve been saving quite a bit of money on q-tips since you now only clean your left ear because your Bluetooth is protecting your right ear AT ALL TIMES.

·     You consider your Bluetooth your one and only true love. You even frequently say to your wife or husband, “If only you were more like my Bluetooth.”