Eating at your desk…

April 9, 2009

It never fails that every time I decide to eat lunch at my desk one of my coworkers will walk up to me and want to smell my lunch.  They usually approach with their noses leading the way and say, “Yum, that smells good. What is it?” while they lean over my food and invade my personal space.  I can’t understand the curiosity since what I’m eating is never interesting or even tasty for that matter. I usually eat Lean Cuisines or Healthy Choice lunches at my desk and we all know how delicious those are. But despite dining on pre-packaged frozen garbage, my coworkers can’t help but peak in my cube and breath in its microwaved aroma. And their curiosity only depresses me more because it conjures up memories of a simpler and skinnier time when I could go out for lunch and eat normal food like sandwiches, tacos and pizza without having to worry about the extra pounds and chins this type of food will cause. And their disturbance also forces me back to the work day reality that it’s only lunch time and that I’m stuck in my cube for another 5 long hours.

Maybe I'd rather just be fat.

Maybe I'd rather just be fat.

Advertisements

This is why you suck…

October 20, 2008

To some of those special co-workers out there…this ones for you!

This is why you suck…

You suck cuz you call me when an email would do just fine.

You suck cuz you stare at me with a look of disapproval when I walk in at five minutes after 8 am.

You suck cuz you comment on everyone and everything.

You suck cuz you wear Hawaiian shirts and/or mom jeans on casual Friday.

You suck cuz you listen to my phone conversations.

You suck cuz I can smell your dog on you.

You suck cuz you drank my last diet Pepsi…even when I put my initials on it.

You suck cuz you walk by my desk talking on your handsfree headset…take a seat please Mr. Cool.

You suck cuz you sneak up behind me in my cube and breathe heavily until I acknowledge your presence.

You suck cuz you stink up the restroom without even a courtesy flush.

You suck cuz you are CONSTANTLY offering me junk food and you won’t take no for an answer. I don’t want any of your candy corn, chocolate and peanut mix! It’s not because it’s not good, it’s only because I don’t want my ass to grow as big as your ass.

You suck cuz you frequently spit in the trash can underneath your desk. Can you hock your loogie a little quieter next time?

You suck cuz you take yourself WAY too seriously. I realize you are “supervising” two whole people now, but that doesn’t make you the boss of me!

It’s Monday…I KNOW!

August 19, 2008

Why is it that every Monday morning office dwellers find it necessary to remind themselves and their fellow co-workers that YES, it is in fact Monday?

I think I counted four different people who came up to my cube today with varying methods of reminding me it was Monday…like I could forget. I always know when it’s Monday because each Monday directly follows my Sunday night ritual of hysterically crying until I wear myself out enough to fall asleep.

The first co-worker approached me today and said – Another Monday…ugh! – Thanks for the reminder Sally Sorrowpants!

The second co-worker walked by cube asking – How are you today? I of course gave my usual lie of fine and then in order to be seen as polite (and hide the fact that I could actually care less) I asked – how are you today? To which she responded, As good as I can  be for a Monday!

The 3rd co-worker walked up to me and announced…Monday’s suck. To which all I could think was DUH!

The 4th co-worker then decided it necessary to remind me that it was the worst day of the week by saying – I can’t believe it’s already Monday! ?! Okay, I get it already!

i think it’s time that all of us in the CUBE JUNGLE accept that YES, IT IS MONDAY and move on. Feel free to secretly loathe it all you want…I know I will, but please stop reminding me of a fact I know all to be too well – it’s Monday again. And there isn’t anything you can say to change that.

This is just great! And oh so true. Younger people in offices across the US care very little about office bs…we’d rather you just leave us alone and give us more days off!

Click on the link below and check out this video from The Onion News Network.

Study Finds Young People Remain Apathetic About Office Politics

When I’m “sick”

July 11, 2008

When you take a “sick” day from work, it can be for a number of reasons. Maybe you have a cold, flu, or the Ebola virus. Or maybe you had a migraine, or were sitting home popping Pepto-Bismol due to nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, or diarrhea. Sometimes you take a “sick” day simply because you desperately need a mental break from your office/job. Either way, if your company affords you sick days, use them.

The only thing I hate is when you take a sick day and then spend the entire next day at work answering questions about your 24-48 hour “sickness.” Managers, co-workers, and sometimes even the building custodians ask – Feeling better today, What was wrong with you, or my favorite Were you really feeling sick or just sick of us? As funny as that question may sound in your manager or co-worker’s head, it’s NEVER that funny to you. All it insinuates is…I don’t really believe you were sick.

And in every office, there’s those one or two of those people in your office who have to know EVERYTHING that’s going on with EVERYONE at all times. They’re the ones who when they catch you eating lunch at your desk ALWAYS ask – What’s for lunch and then peer over your shoulder and practically inhale your food. Or they are the same ones who notice when you’re late or leave early and make comments like – I see you got out of here early last Friday or Don’t worry I don’t think anyone else noticed you were running late this morning and then smile.  It must give them some sort of purpose to be in everyone’s business. They were most likely those kids in school who would remind the teacher that he or she forgot to assign homework or kept us in class after the bell with one more “important” question that just couldn’t wait.  I’ve never understood this nosey co-workers and nor do I want to. However, I do want to ask – WHAT DOES IT MATTER??

Once a manager even called me while I was at home sick and asked – Weren’t you just sick a couple of months ago?  To which my response was yes, and I’m sick again. In fact I had been sick two months prior to that with bronchitis and guess what, it came back. Sometimes that happens. I even had doctor’s notes for my absence and was on antibiotics. I also found it strange that my boss would even ask a question like that since I provided doctor’s notes each time I was out of the office for more than 1 day, which was rare, but that year I had the misfortune of contracting bronchitis twice.

The company affords me so many sick days and I’d be a fool not to use them. Maybe as a kid we were rewarded for perfect attendance at school, but in the workforce you’re awarded nothing for perfect attendance. If anything, you are taken advantage of and over utilized if you are in attendance each and every day. That is why YES, I take sick days. And NO, I don’t appreciate people commenting on them. Save your compassionate inquiries regarding my well-being because obviously I’m better if I’m back at work today…right? Save the how are you feeling questions for sometime when I’m out of the office for a substantial amount of time. Like if I were to be bitten by a rattlesnake or hospitalized for salmonella.

Sometimes I wonder why some companies even offer sick time if they are just going to treat you like a felon each time you take a sick day or two. Whether I’m sick, tired, hung over, or de-toxing, it’s NONE of anyone’s business because I am only taking time that is rightfully mine.  So please quit asking me if I was really sick or if I’m feeling better today or I’ll call in sick permanently.

Dear Annoying Co-Worker (You know who you are),
I realize that you REALLY, REALLY love your dog. I’ll even admit that your miniature pincher is somewhat cute, but I don’t care to hear about him EVERYDAY. Sure, I like animals too, but I definitely don’t need you updating me on personal pooch business like his diabetes, worms, or runny stool. Honestly, I’m not even sure what you want me to do with that kind of information. And I know it seems as though we have our own space in this cubicle jungle of ours, but really it’s just one big open room separated by pretend walls. I can hear all of your conversations and I think it’s unnecessary for you to ask your husband to put the telephone up to your dog’s ear so “Mommy can tell Pinchie she misses him” every afternoon. No offense, but gag me with a pooper scooper because hearing conversations like that makes it hard for me to swallow my Lean Cuisine Panini. Therefore, I am asking that you please stop immediately.
Now I know this won’t be easy for you and you’re scared that if you stop talking about your pooch 24/7, it will be like you don’t love him anymore, so let me help to ease your fears. I promise that even if you refrain from constantly talking about your dog while at work, your love for him will not fade. People in the office will still know that you’re a proud dog owner. It’s impossible for us to miss your devotion since you’ve wallpapered your cube in pictures of him, programmed a screen saver slide show of Pinchie’s greatest moments from the Spring of 2008 (which starts after every 30 seconds of inactivity) and put a large bumper sticker on the back of your Kia that reads, “Lord, help me be the person my dog thinks I am.” And then there’s your casual Friday attire. Everyone in the office is amazed at how many variations of t-shirts and sweatshirts you have with Pinchie’s face on them that read, “Proud to be – Pinchie’s Mommy!” All of these are direct indications that, YES, you love your dog VERY much.

Now all I’m asking is that you please show some restraint and respect for your fellow co-workers by knocking off the pooch talk while at work. Save the crazy dog-lady routine for those other nutjobs at doggy daycare.

Sincerely,

Your Co-Worker
 

 

Dear Annoying Co-Worker,

When we hear you typing it sounds like Evander Holyfield’s workout. Are you angry…or really PO’d that someone ate your Lean Cuisine out of the office refrigerator?

We just don’t think it’s right that we can hear you typing from 4 cubicles away. If you’re worried that the computer only responds to punching, worry not. A computer’s keyboard has greatly advanced since the days of the Smith Premier typewriter of the 19th century. Today’s keyboard doesn’t require the same force it did when you wrote  letters to Franklin D. Roosevelt in your 20’s.  We also realize that you are less than 5 years away from retirement and well into AARP status, but that doesn’t mean that you should assault your keyboard and our ears by pounding on it as if it owes you money. 

Maybe you could take your keyboard home and practice touching each key more delicately. Or you could just do us all a favor and opt for an early retirement. This way you don’t have to change your ways (we know how scary the elderly are of change) and we won’t have to worry about your diaper leaking on our conference room chairs again. Either way, something needs to change.

Sincerely,

The ENTIRE office

PS. The building custodian would also appreciate it if you would stop leaving half full bottles of Ensure in the garbage can underneath your desk.