Okay, so this may be a disgusting topic, but it needs to be discussed.

I need to know which co-worker of mine frequently drops deuces in our shared restroom and then just gets up and leaves them there for everyone to see? I realize I’ve asked this question before, but I’ve never received an answer so I’m asking again.  PLEASE identify yourself for the DEUCE neglect-er that you are!

Are you quite proud of your creation and want to share it or something? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT! It never ceases to force my gag reflex into overdrive each time I walk into a stall only to find the masterpiece that you left behind. Isn’t flushing the toilet an automatic for you? It seems to be for the rest of the universe. Whoever was in charge of your toilet training should be sentenced to live the remaining years of his or her life in an outhouse that’s been frequently used by individuals suffering from IBS. 

We are all adults in this cube jungle! Last I checked, we work with no babies, toddlers, or elderly people who are unable to control their bowels or are so plagued by arthritis that they cannot position their hands to flush a toilet.

So please, stop the insanity! FLUSH YOUR DEUCES!

Here are 5 ways to sit in your cubicle and appear as though you are working, even when you’re not:

  1. Always have papers with highlighted sections around you so that at any time you can pick one up and pretend to read intently.
  2. Always have something work-related minimized on your computer screen so that you can pull it up quickly when a co-worker or boss enters your cube. We realize you spend most of your time on social networking sites, shopping online and/or IMing with friends, but your boss and co-workers don’t have to know that.
  3. Practice looking as though you are in deep, analytical thought while looking at your computer screen. This way you look as though you care, even when you really don’t. You can obtain this look by squinting your eyes slightly while leaning in toward your screen. It also helps to rest your thumb on your chin while tapping your index finger on your lips.
  4. Respond to emails from your boss or manager promptly. This may mean you have to get off of your Myspace page or Perezhilton.com for a minute or two, but believe me…it’s worth it.
  5. Invest in a privacy screen for your computer. This is especially important if your back is toward the opening of your cube. That way when those nosey co-workers or managers approach your cube, they aren’t able to see exactly what you’re doing. It buys you some time to minimize your personal email or fantasy football team standings before anyone can make out what’s on your screen. If someone asks why you have a privacy sceen…and they will, tell them it’s really an ANTI-GLARE screen because the brightness of your computer screen was giving you “terrible” headaches.

Dear Annoying Co-Worker (You know who you are),
I realize that you REALLY, REALLY love your dog. I’ll even admit that your miniature pincher is somewhat cute, but I don’t care to hear about him EVERYDAY. Sure, I like animals too, but I definitely don’t need you updating me on personal pooch business like his diabetes, worms, or runny stool. Honestly, I’m not even sure what you want me to do with that kind of information. And I know it seems as though we have our own space in this cubicle jungle of ours, but really it’s just one big open room separated by pretend walls. I can hear all of your conversations and I think it’s unnecessary for you to ask your husband to put the telephone up to your dog’s ear so “Mommy can tell Pinchie she misses him” every afternoon. No offense, but gag me with a pooper scooper because hearing conversations like that makes it hard for me to swallow my Lean Cuisine Panini. Therefore, I am asking that you please stop immediately.
Now I know this won’t be easy for you and you’re scared that if you stop talking about your pooch 24/7, it will be like you don’t love him anymore, so let me help to ease your fears. I promise that even if you refrain from constantly talking about your dog while at work, your love for him will not fade. People in the office will still know that you’re a proud dog owner. It’s impossible for us to miss your devotion since you’ve wallpapered your cube in pictures of him, programmed a screen saver slide show of Pinchie’s greatest moments from the Spring of 2008 (which starts after every 30 seconds of inactivity) and put a large bumper sticker on the back of your Kia that reads, “Lord, help me be the person my dog thinks I am.” And then there’s your casual Friday attire. Everyone in the office is amazed at how many variations of t-shirts and sweatshirts you have with Pinchie’s face on them that read, “Proud to be – Pinchie’s Mommy!” All of these are direct indications that, YES, you love your dog VERY much.

Now all I’m asking is that you please show some restraint and respect for your fellow co-workers by knocking off the pooch talk while at work. Save the crazy dog-lady routine for those other nutjobs at doggy daycare.

Sincerely,

Your Co-Worker