Okay, so this may be a disgusting topic, but it needs to be discussed.

I need to know which co-worker of mine frequently drops deuces in our shared restroom and then just gets up and leaves them there for everyone to see? I realize I’ve asked this question before, but I’ve never received an answer so I’m asking again.  PLEASE identify yourself for the DEUCE neglect-er that you are!

Are you quite proud of your creation and want to share it or something? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT! It never ceases to force my gag reflex into overdrive each time I walk into a stall only to find the masterpiece that you left behind. Isn’t flushing the toilet an automatic for you? It seems to be for the rest of the universe. Whoever was in charge of your toilet training should be sentenced to live the remaining years of his or her life in an outhouse that’s been frequently used by individuals suffering from IBS. 

We are all adults in this cube jungle! Last I checked, we work with no babies, toddlers, or elderly people who are unable to control their bowels or are so plagued by arthritis that they cannot position their hands to flush a toilet.

So please, stop the insanity! FLUSH YOUR DEUCES!


Why do you pee so much?

October 8, 2008

I don’t know what it is, but I work with some women who frequent the restroom a little too frequently. In this cube jungle of ours,we have no real walls dividing us from each-other. Therefore, I hear you walking by my cube every fifteen minutes on your way to the restroom yet again. Are you bonging water from a personal Culligan dispenser? Is this why you are constantly in a Michael Phelps-like 100 meter race to the restroom? Seriously, put the liquids down, eat some salt or invest in some Poise pads (I hear they are superior in leak protection). It’s annoying to have you passing by me and peering in my cube each time you head off to relieve yourself. I know you are looking right at my screen to see what I’m really doing. This then forces me to minimize what I’m really doing (i.e. perezhilton.com, facebook.com, craiglist.com, etc) and do actual work. How dare you!?! I also think that peeing this often showcases a lack of discipline and control on your part and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if your supervisor mentioned this as a weakness during your next yearly review.

Just remember, you’re not getting paid to spend your day in the restroom and I don’t appreciate you messing up my daily routine of finding anything else to do besides work. Unfortunately for me, I’ve learned that excessive urinaters and narcs go hand in hand so you’re really effing up my work day.


(use me…don’t abuse me)

As if it isn’t bad enough that I am forced to spend 8-9 hours a day in this cube jungle with all of you, I now have to wonder who leaves behind the butt resin on the restroom toilet seats. I realize that this sounds crude, but how would you like being the one to walk into a restroom stall and see it first hand?  

Why is it so hard for adults to pick up after themselves? I’m trying really hard not to judge here and not ask where this “resin” is coming from. Instead, I only ask that after you are finished with your “business,” you turn around, flush the toilet and make sure that you didn’t leave anything behind. It’s only fair to everyone else. This also goes for you lovely ladies who must enjoy peeing on the toilet seats and/or leaving your “business” un-flushed for everyone to see. Whether you’re acting out because you weren’t held enough as a child or are doing it for attention in hopes of receiving some kind of praise for a job well done, it needs to stop.  Outside of the K9 world, marking your territory is seen as just plain gross.

They say that men are dirtier than women, but the women I work with seem to be working really hard to catch up!

You can dirty-up your bathroom all you want at home, just please pick up after yourself in the restroom at work.

Are you serious!?!

July 9, 2008

I don’t think there’s anything more gross or rude than people that talk on their cell phones while sitting on the toilet in your work restroom, or any public restroom really. I can’t imagine what issue is so pressing that it can’t wait until you are out of the sanctuary of the bathroom. What happened to the bathroom being a place of relaxation? How can I relax when you’re in the stall next to me discussing “important” issues such as your friend’s recent pedicure…You just got your toes done!?! Aw, why didn’t you ask me to go?

And who really wants to be on the other end of a conversation with a soundtrack full of toilet flushing, pee sounds, and the occasional toot toot?  I was just in the work restroom today with a woman who, despite the ample amount of empty stalls, sat in the one right next to me and carried on a loud conversation about what she would bring to the BBQ this weekend. First of all it’s WEDNESDAY morning and second of all, NO ONE IN THERE CARES! Even my incessant flushing and angry coughs couldn’t make her shut up. Instead, she just spoke louder. These people are the same people that try to carry on a conversation with you when you are  locked in your stall. Don’t they know that it’s poor restroom etiquette to acknowledge another person and initiate a conversation once he or she is securely locked in his or her stall? The stalls are there to create a sense of anonymity and that can’t be done with you saying…Is that you in there??

And on that same note, don’t stand by the sink and talk to your co-workers…TAKE IT OUTSIDE! Some people are trying to concentrate in there and they can’t do it when you’re discussing your recent knee replacement or what a bitch Bonnie in AP is being today. I sometimes go to the bathroom to escape the constant chatter, questions, phone calls and emails so I would appreciate it if you would just keep the work restroom quiet! Haven’t you ever heard of text messaging?? If you are that in need of constant human interaction just send some texts!

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Have you ever entered the restroom at your office only to find that one of your co-workers was in too big of a hurry to flush the toilet? I guess that 10 a.m. meeting was more important to your co-worker than protecting you from the infinite nightmares that the sight of his or her bowel movements will cause. I think we’ve all had to bear witness to what can happen when a co-worker’s lunch trip to Taco Bell goes terribly wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the occasional need for haste, but only in the event of an office fire or the invasion of a bomb squad into your stall who then demand that you exit your stall without flushing or risk blowing up the entire building (hell, in that situation, I’d even excuse you from washing your hands). However, in all other occasions, it’s necessary to flush your business before exiting your stall. If not because out of habit, do it because it’s the right thing to do.


The solution to this problem is to institute a MANDATORY courtesy flush for all offices. The courtesy flush makes it so that you will never have to be exposed to the intestinal excrements of your co-workers or be forced to spend another visit to the restroom pinching your nostrils closed in hopes no scent sneaks in. Remember that it’s rather difficult to maneuver through all of your “restroom responsibilites” with only one free hand. I mean, why should I have to enter a stall that my boss has just been in only to find that she had consumed a ridiculous amount of corn this past week? After an experience like that, I find it hard to respect a woman who eats corn like it’s her job and then doesn’t take care of her own business.


 A mandatory courtesy flush also protects you from having to listen to the unique sounds that come from your co-workers while sitting on the toilet. This is especially important for those mouth breathers and grunters out there, who for some reason seem to take great delight in letting everyone in the restroom know exactly how hard they’re trying.  Your fellow restroom buddies would much prefer those sounds be masked by the crisp clean sweep of a flushing toilet. Sure, it may not be the most green of tasks, but it protects your co-workers from receiving embarrassing nicknames like Butt-horn Bob or Drop-em Loud Lori. As long as you or your co-workers participate in other more green activities such as recycling, you will be forgiven by Mother Earth for your frequent flushing. Even the hipest of hippies realizes that if it’s yellow, let it mellow. However, if it’s brown, flush it down.


 All I’m really asking is that you flush frequently so that you aren’t considered the smelly co-worker who also makes loud rectal noises in the bathroom thereby making it impossible for anyone else to relax and do his or her business. Here’s a good rule of thumb – We understand that sometimes it takes time to get your business done, but if you’ve been sitting on the brown for any longer than for 4 minutes, it’s time to flush it down.


 Do the right thing by and make the courtesy flush a habit.


 PS…Once you’ve perfected the courtesy flush, maybe you could work on your yellow aim. I’m tired of seeing pee on the seat and floor around the toilet. It’s not the free throw line at NBA playoffs, Shaq! There is no logical reason why you can’t make it into the toilet.