It never fails that each day as I leave work at the 5 pm official dismissal, I am bombarded with waves goodbye from my co-workers. These waves never seem to cease until I acknowledge them, wave back and say something like “see you tomorrow” or “have a good night.” Even when I’m in my car, pulling out of our parking lot, the waves continue from car to car. Sometimes, holding up the traffic exiting the lot. Okay enough is enough. Why are we remaining so cordial and kind? We all know we just want to get the hell out of here and into our homes so that we can cry, get drunk, drugged, obsessively eat, gamble, exercise, or surf the web for porn. Anything to escape the soul-crushing reality that we have to do this all over again tomorrow.

So please, don’t hold up my time getting out of here. I’ll see you tomorrow so save your wave and please get out of my way.

Why do you pee so much?

October 8, 2008

I don’t know what it is, but I work with some women who frequent the restroom a little too frequently. In this cube jungle of ours,we have no real walls dividing us from each-other. Therefore, I hear you walking by my cube every fifteen minutes on your way to the restroom yet again. Are you bonging water from a personal Culligan dispenser? Is this why you are constantly in a Michael Phelps-like 100 meter race to the restroom? Seriously, put the liquids down, eat some salt or invest in some Poise pads (I hear they are superior in leak protection). It’s annoying to have you passing by me and peering in my cube each time you head off to relieve yourself. I know you are looking right at my screen to see what I’m really doing. This then forces me to minimize what I’m really doing (i.e. perezhilton.com, facebook.com, craiglist.com, etc) and do actual work. How dare you!?! I also think that peeing this often showcases a lack of discipline and control on your part and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if your supervisor mentioned this as a weakness during your next yearly review.

Just remember, you’re not getting paid to spend your day in the restroom and I don’t appreciate you messing up my daily routine of finding anything else to do besides work. Unfortunately for me, I’ve learned that excessive urinaters and narcs go hand in hand so you’re really effing up my work day.