Why do you pee so much?

I don’t know what it is, but I work with some women who frequent the restroom a little too frequently. In this cube jungle of ours,we have no real walls dividing us from each-other. Therefore, I hear you walking by my cube every fifteen minutes on your way to the restroom yet again. Are you bonging water from a personal Culligan dispenser? Is this why you are constantly in a Michael Phelps-like 100 meter race to the restroom? Seriously, put the liquids down, eat some salt or invest in some Poise pads (I hear they are superior in leak protection). It’s annoying to have you passing by me and peering in my cube each time you head off to relieve yourself. I know you are looking right at my screen to see what I’m really doing. This then forces me to minimize what I’m really doing (i.e. perezhilton.com, facebook.com, craiglist.com, etc) and do actual work. How dare you!?! I also think that peeing this often showcases a lack of discipline and control on your part and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if your supervisor mentioned this as a weakness during your next yearly review.

Just remember, you’re not getting paid to spend your day in the restroom and I don’t appreciate you messing up my daily routine of finding anything else to do besides work. Unfortunately for me, I’ve learned that excessive urinaters and narcs go hand in hand so you’re really effing up my work day.

You say it best, when you say nothing at all…

I sometimes become so tired of the constant commentary of my co-workers. It seems that I am constantly subjected to their feelings, thoughts and annoyances. Here’s what I would like to tell them:

I realize that we work closely in this cube jungle, but that does not mean that you need to announce to everyone when your stomach hurts, when you’re tired or when you think it’s “so chilly” in the office today. What should I do with this information? I can give you some Pepto, refer you to a Redbull or advise you to bring a light jacket with you to work, but that’s about it. And frankly, I don’t really want to have to do any of these things. I would just prefer that you put a hush on the constant commentary and instead save it for your journal, your supposed “friends” you speak of or your spouse. Why should I have to suffer through listening to your constant babbling, I didn’t choose to work with you. Save it for someone who chooses to be around you and not those who are merely paid to be near you.

Information that I wish my co-workers would stop sharing with me:

• I’m tired,
• I’m cold
•  I’m bored
•  I’m hungry
•  I miss my kids
•  I have cramps
•  I don’t believe in global warming,
• I like my feet
•  I have a rash
•  I love pizza
• I’m going on vacation
• My kid did this or that
•  My dog is so cute
• My house won’t sell
•  My in-laws are annoying
•  I am lonely
•  My boyfriend cheated on me
•  My cat’s breath smells like cat-food
•  I’m voting for…
• I’m going to the Celine Dion concert
•  Here is what I’m doing this weekend…
• My feet hurt
•  I want to go home
•  My boss is a douche bag
•  I am depressed
•  I forgot to take my anti-depressants today
•  I think I may be pregnant
•  My mom never loved me
•  I miss my cats
• My stapler is missing
•  My dentures stink
•  I have no money
•  I can’t go to the bathroom
•  I think I’m in love with the building custodian
•  I think my ovaries are dead
•  I like the smell of methamphetamines in the morning
•  The water in the cooler tastes funny
•  I got so wasted last night
•  I never learned how to read and I enjoy getting high off of Dust-Off
• I think my son or daughter is gay
• I think my husband is gay
• I’ve accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior
• I prefer diet dr. pepper to regular dr. pepper