Don’t neglect your deuces.

Okay, so this may be a disgusting topic, but it needs to be discussed.

I need to know which co-worker of mine frequently drops deuces in our shared restroom and then just gets up and leaves them there for everyone to see? I realize I’ve asked this question before, but I’ve never received an answer so I’m asking again.  PLEASE identify yourself for the DEUCE neglect-er that you are!

Are you quite proud of your creation and want to share it or something? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT! It never ceases to force my gag reflex into overdrive each time I walk into a stall only to find the masterpiece that you left behind. Isn’t flushing the toilet an automatic for you? It seems to be for the rest of the universe. Whoever was in charge of your toilet training should be sentenced to live the remaining years of his or her life in an outhouse that’s been frequently used by individuals suffering from IBS. 

We are all adults in this cube jungle! Last I checked, we work with no babies, toddlers, or elderly people who are unable to control their bowels or are so plagued by arthritis that they cannot position their hands to flush a toilet.

So please, stop the insanity! FLUSH YOUR DEUCES!

This is why you suck…

To some of those special co-workers out there…this ones for you!

This is why you suck…

You suck cuz you call me when an email would do just fine.

You suck cuz you stare at me with a look of disapproval when I walk in at five minutes after 8 am.

You suck cuz you comment on everyone and everything.

You suck cuz you wear Hawaiian shirts and/or mom jeans on casual Friday.

You suck cuz you listen to my phone conversations.

You suck cuz I can smell your dog on you.

You suck cuz you drank my last diet Pepsi…even when I put my initials on it.

You suck cuz you walk by my desk talking on your handsfree headset…take a seat please Mr. Cool.

You suck cuz you sneak up behind me in my cube and breathe heavily until I acknowledge your presence.

You suck cuz you stink up the restroom without even a courtesy flush.

You suck cuz you are CONSTANTLY offering me junk food and you won’t take no for an answer. I don’t want any of your candy corn, chocolate and peanut mix! It’s not because it’s not good, it’s only because I don’t want my ass to grow as big as your ass.

You suck cuz you frequently spit in the trash can underneath your desk. Can you hock your loogie a little quieter next time?

You suck cuz you take yourself WAY too seriously. I realize you are “supervising” two whole people now, but that doesn’t make you the boss of me!

Why do you pee so much?

I don’t know what it is, but I work with some women who frequent the restroom a little too frequently. In this cube jungle of ours,we have no real walls dividing us from each-other. Therefore, I hear you walking by my cube every fifteen minutes on your way to the restroom yet again. Are you bonging water from a personal Culligan dispenser? Is this why you are constantly in a Michael Phelps-like 100 meter race to the restroom? Seriously, put the liquids down, eat some salt or invest in some Poise pads (I hear they are superior in leak protection). It’s annoying to have you passing by me and peering in my cube each time you head off to relieve yourself. I know you are looking right at my screen to see what I’m really doing. This then forces me to minimize what I’m really doing (i.e. perezhilton.com, facebook.com, craiglist.com, etc) and do actual work. How dare you!?! I also think that peeing this often showcases a lack of discipline and control on your part and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if your supervisor mentioned this as a weakness during your next yearly review.

Just remember, you’re not getting paid to spend your day in the restroom and I don’t appreciate you messing up my daily routine of finding anything else to do besides work. Unfortunately for me, I’ve learned that excessive urinaters and narcs go hand in hand so you’re really effing up my work day.