This is why you suck…

To some of those special co-workers out there…this ones for you!

This is why you suck…

You suck cuz you call me when an email would do just fine.

You suck cuz you stare at me with a look of disapproval when I walk in at five minutes after 8 am.

You suck cuz you comment on everyone and everything.

You suck cuz you wear Hawaiian shirts and/or mom jeans on casual Friday.

You suck cuz you listen to my phone conversations.

You suck cuz I can smell your dog on you.

You suck cuz you drank my last diet Pepsi…even when I put my initials on it.

You suck cuz you walk by my desk talking on your handsfree headset…take a seat please Mr. Cool.

You suck cuz you sneak up behind me in my cube and breathe heavily until I acknowledge your presence.

You suck cuz you stink up the restroom without even a courtesy flush.

You suck cuz you are CONSTANTLY offering me junk food and you won’t take no for an answer. I don’t want any of your candy corn, chocolate and peanut mix! It’s not because it’s not good, it’s only because I don’t want my ass to grow as big as your ass.

You suck cuz you frequently spit in the trash can underneath your desk. Can you hock your loogie a little quieter next time?

You suck cuz you take yourself WAY too seriously. I realize you are “supervising” two whole people now, but that doesn’t make you the boss of me!

Why do you pee so much?

I don’t know what it is, but I work with some women who frequent the restroom a little too frequently. In this cube jungle of ours,we have no real walls dividing us from each-other. Therefore, I hear you walking by my cube every fifteen minutes on your way to the restroom yet again. Are you bonging water from a personal Culligan dispenser? Is this why you are constantly in a Michael Phelps-like 100 meter race to the restroom? Seriously, put the liquids down, eat some salt or invest in some Poise pads (I hear they are superior in leak protection). It’s annoying to have you passing by me and peering in my cube each time you head off to relieve yourself. I know you are looking right at my screen to see what I’m really doing. This then forces me to minimize what I’m really doing (i.e. perezhilton.com, facebook.com, craiglist.com, etc) and do actual work. How dare you!?! I also think that peeing this often showcases a lack of discipline and control on your part and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if your supervisor mentioned this as a weakness during your next yearly review.

Just remember, you’re not getting paid to spend your day in the restroom and I don’t appreciate you messing up my daily routine of finding anything else to do besides work. Unfortunately for me, I’ve learned that excessive urinaters and narcs go hand in hand so you’re really effing up my work day.

It’s Monday…I KNOW!

Why is it that every Monday morning office dwellers find it necessary to remind themselves and their fellow co-workers that YES, it is in fact Monday?

I think I counted four different people who came up to my cube today with varying methods of reminding me it was Monday…like I could forget. I always know when it’s Monday because each Monday directly follows my Sunday night ritual of hysterically crying until I wear myself out enough to fall asleep.

The first co-worker approached me today and said – Another Monday…ugh! – Thanks for the reminder Sally Sorrowpants!

The second co-worker walked by cube asking – How are you today? I of course gave my usual lie of fine and then in order to be seen as polite (and hide the fact that I could actually care less) I asked – how are you today? To which she responded, As good as I can  be for a Monday!

The 3rd co-worker walked up to me and announced…Monday’s suck. To which all I could think was DUH!

The 4th co-worker then decided it necessary to remind me that it was the worst day of the week by saying – I can’t believe it’s already Monday! ?! Okay, I get it already!

i think it’s time that all of us in the CUBE JUNGLE accept that YES, IT IS MONDAY and move on. Feel free to secretly loathe it all you want…I know I will, but please stop reminding me of a fact I know all to be too well – it’s Monday again. And there isn’t anything you can say to change that.

“This petty bull-shit is the foundation of our work environment.”

This is just great! And oh so true. Younger people in offices across the US care very little about office bs…we’d rather you just leave us alone and give us more days off!

Click on the link below and check out this video from The Onion News Network.

Study Finds Young People Remain Apathetic About Office Politics

What did you leave on the seat?

 

(use me…don’t abuse me)

As if it isn’t bad enough that I am forced to spend 8-9 hours a day in this cube jungle with all of you, I now have to wonder who leaves behind the butt resin on the restroom toilet seats. I realize that this sounds crude, but how would you like being the one to walk into a restroom stall and see it first hand?  

Why is it so hard for adults to pick up after themselves? I’m trying really hard not to judge here and not ask where this “resin” is coming from. Instead, I only ask that after you are finished with your “business,” you turn around, flush the toilet and make sure that you didn’t leave anything behind. It’s only fair to everyone else. This also goes for you lovely ladies who must enjoy peeing on the toilet seats and/or leaving your “business” un-flushed for everyone to see. Whether you’re acting out because you weren’t held enough as a child or are doing it for attention in hopes of receiving some kind of praise for a job well done, it needs to stop.  Outside of the K9 world, marking your territory is seen as just plain gross.

They say that men are dirtier than women, but the women I work with seem to be working really hard to catch up!

You can dirty-up your bathroom all you want at home, just please pick up after yourself in the restroom at work.

5 Ways to Appear as Though You’re Working…

Here are 5 ways to sit in your cubicle and appear as though you are working, even when you’re not:

1. Always have papers with highlighted sections around you so that at any time you can pick one up and pretend to read intently.
2. Always have something work-related minimized on your computer screen so that you can pull it up quickly when a co-worker or boss enters your cube. We realize you spend most of your time on social networking sites, shopping online and/or IMing with friends, but your boss and co-workers don’t have to know that.
3. Practice looking as though you are in deep, analytical thought while looking at your computer screen. This way you look as though you care, even when you really don’t. You can obtain this look by squinting your eyes slightly while leaning in toward your screen. It also helps to rest your thumb on your chin while tapping your index finger on your lips.
4. Respond to emails from your boss or manager promptly. This may mean you have to get off of your Myspace page or Perezhilton.com for a minute or two, but believe me…it’s worth it.
5. Invest in a privacy screen for your computer. This is especially important if your back is toward the opening of your cube. That way when those nosey co-workers or managers approach your cube, they aren’t able to see exactly what you’re doing. It buys you some time to minimize your personal email or fantasy football team standings before anyone can make out what’s on your screen. If someone asks why you have a privacy sceen…and they will, tell them it’s really an ANTI-GLARE screen because the brightness of your computer screen was giving you “terrible” headaches.

Do you have a prescription for that Bluetooth?

 

Ever wonder if those co-workers of yours who walk around with a perma-Bluetooth in their ears ever give their ears a rest? 

Have they received a prescription from their primary doctors recommending a 24 hour a day of Bluetooth treatment or did we, the non perma-Bluetooth users, seem to miss the memo that mandated a Bluetooth be securely fastened to our ears at all times? Even outside of the office you spot these co-workers at Chipotle over lunch or at Target on the weekends, and their Bluetooth’s are still stuck in their ears.  It’s Sunday and you’re shopping for Huggies so why do you need the Bluetooth in your ear.? Are you expecting a call from the Pentagon…or Heaven? Could their Bluetooth really be a bomb that if removed will blow up everything within a 20 mile radius? Or is it stuck? Because if it is, I’d gladly help you remove it.

It seems as though these people have an unhealthy relationship with their Bluetooths. It’s as unhealthy as those sisters you knew in high school who would sometimes kiss each other at parties to get attention.

There also seems to be an arrogant swagger that those addicted to their Bluetooths have. It’s like by constantly wearing their Bluetooths, they’re saying, “I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN ALL THE LAND and something more important than you is bound to come up.” Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I respond to a “hi “or “how are you” that I think is directed toward me, only to (cheeks burning in humiliation) find out that the salutation was intended for the person on the other end of my co-worker’s Bluetooth. It’s like when you see someone in the distance waving at you and you eagerly wave back, but soon realize that this person was actually waving to the person behind you. It’s confusing and just plain rude.

 Therefore, I advise all of you who are addicted to your Bluetooths to prove to your co-workers and society that you’re not some self-important douche who compares what you do for a paycheck to that of some sort of a Messiah by letting your ear breathe when you are not talking on your Bluetooth.  I personally promise you that the world will keep spinning, AIDS will still exist, babies will still be born, and time travel will still be seen only in the movies, even if you miss a call.

Here are some signs that you may have an UNHEALTHY relationship with your Bluetooth:

·     Your son or daughter try to converse with you in person and you say, “Daddy only answers to his Bluetooth, sweetie.”

·     While having relations with your husband, you tell him to “hold please” and then take the call that just came in on your Bluetooth.

·     You wear a shower cap while swimming or showering in order to protect your Bluetooth from water damage.

·     Your friends have to explain to the bartender that you are actually just talking loudly to someone on your beloved Bluetooth and no, you did not just call him an asshole.

·     You’ve been saving quite a bit of money on q-tips since you now only clean your left ear because your Bluetooth is protecting your right ear AT ALL TIMES.

·     You consider your Bluetooth your one and only true love. You even frequently say to your wife or husband, “If only you were more like my Bluetooth.”