It never fails that each day as I leave work at the 5 pm official dismissal, I am bombarded with waves goodbye from my co-workers. These waves never seem to cease until I acknowledge them, wave back and say something like “see you tomorrow” or “have a good night.” Even when I’m in my car, pulling out of our parking lot, the waves continue from car to car. Sometimes, holding up the traffic exiting the lot. Okay enough is enough. Why are we remaining so cordial and kind? We all know we just want to get the hell out of here and into our homes so that we can cry, get drunk, drugged, obsessively eat, gamble, exercise, or surf the web for porn. Anything to escape the soul-crushing reality that we have to do this all over again tomorrow.

So please, don’t hold up my time getting out of here. I’ll see you tomorrow so save your wave and please get out of my way.

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Okay, so this may be a disgusting topic, but it needs to be discussed.

I need to know which co-worker of mine frequently drops deuces in our shared restroom and then just gets up and leaves them there for everyone to see? I realize I’ve asked this question before, but I’ve never received an answer so I’m asking again.  PLEASE identify yourself for the DEUCE neglect-er that you are!

Are you quite proud of your creation and want to share it or something? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT! It never ceases to force my gag reflex into overdrive each time I walk into a stall only to find the masterpiece that you left behind. Isn’t flushing the toilet an automatic for you? It seems to be for the rest of the universe. Whoever was in charge of your toilet training should be sentenced to live the remaining years of his or her life in an outhouse that’s been frequently used by individuals suffering from IBS. 

We are all adults in this cube jungle! Last I checked, we work with no babies, toddlers, or elderly people who are unable to control their bowels or are so plagued by arthritis that they cannot position their hands to flush a toilet.

So please, stop the insanity! FLUSH YOUR DEUCES!

This is why you suck…

October 20, 2008

To some of those special co-workers out there…this ones for you!

This is why you suck…

You suck cuz you call me when an email would do just fine.

You suck cuz you stare at me with a look of disapproval when I walk in at five minutes after 8 am.

You suck cuz you comment on everyone and everything.

You suck cuz you wear Hawaiian shirts and/or mom jeans on casual Friday.

You suck cuz you listen to my phone conversations.

You suck cuz I can smell your dog on you.

You suck cuz you drank my last diet Pepsi…even when I put my initials on it.

You suck cuz you walk by my desk talking on your handsfree headset…take a seat please Mr. Cool.

You suck cuz you sneak up behind me in my cube and breathe heavily until I acknowledge your presence.

You suck cuz you stink up the restroom without even a courtesy flush.

You suck cuz you are CONSTANTLY offering me junk food and you won’t take no for an answer. I don’t want any of your candy corn, chocolate and peanut mix! It’s not because it’s not good, it’s only because I don’t want my ass to grow as big as your ass.

You suck cuz you frequently spit in the trash can underneath your desk. Can you hock your loogie a little quieter next time?

You suck cuz you take yourself WAY too seriously. I realize you are “supervising” two whole people now, but that doesn’t make you the boss of me!

Why do you pee so much?

October 8, 2008

I don’t know what it is, but I work with some women who frequent the restroom a little too frequently. In this cube jungle of ours,we have no real walls dividing us from each-other. Therefore, I hear you walking by my cube every fifteen minutes on your way to the restroom yet again. Are you bonging water from a personal Culligan dispenser? Is this why you are constantly in a Michael Phelps-like 100 meter race to the restroom? Seriously, put the liquids down, eat some salt or invest in some Poise pads (I hear they are superior in leak protection). It’s annoying to have you passing by me and peering in my cube each time you head off to relieve yourself. I know you are looking right at my screen to see what I’m really doing. This then forces me to minimize what I’m really doing (i.e. perezhilton.com, facebook.com, craiglist.com, etc) and do actual work. How dare you!?! I also think that peeing this often showcases a lack of discipline and control on your part and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if your supervisor mentioned this as a weakness during your next yearly review.

Just remember, you’re not getting paid to spend your day in the restroom and I don’t appreciate you messing up my daily routine of finding anything else to do besides work. Unfortunately for me, I’ve learned that excessive urinaters and narcs go hand in hand so you’re really effing up my work day.

I sometimes become so tired of the constant commentary of my co-workers. It seems that I am constantly subjected to their feelings, thoughts and annoyances. Here’s what I would like to tell them:

I realize that we work closely in this cube jungle, but that does not mean that you need to announce to everyone when your stomach hurts, when you’re tired or when you think it’s “so chilly” in the office today. What should I do with this information? I can give you some Pepto, refer you to a Redbull or advise you to bring a light jacket with you to work, but that’s about it. And frankly, I don’t really want to have to do any of these things. I would just prefer that you put a hush on the constant commentary and instead save it for your journal, your supposed “friends” you speak of or your spouse. Why should I have to suffer through listening to your constant babbling, I didn’t choose to work with you. Save it for someone who chooses to be around you and not those who are merely paid to be near you.

Information that I wish my co-workers would stop sharing with me:

  • I’m tired,
  • I’m cold
  •  I’m bored
  •  I’m hungry
  •  I miss my kids
  •  I have cramps
  •  I don’t believe in global warming,
  • I like my feet
  •  I have a rash
  •  I love pizza
  • I’m going on vacation
  • My kid did this or that
  •  My dog is so cute
  • My house won’t sell
  •  My in-laws are annoying
  •  I am lonely
  •  My boyfriend cheated on me
  •  My cat’s breath smells like cat-food
  •  I’m voting for…
  • I’m going to the Celine Dion concert
  •  Here is what I’m doing this weekend…
  • My feet hurt
  •  I want to go home
  •  My boss is a douche bag
  •  I am depressed
  •  I forgot to take my anti-depressants today
  •  I think I may be pregnant
  •  My mom never loved me
  •  I miss my cats
  • My stapler is missing
  •  My dentures stink
  •  I have no money
  •  I can’t go to the bathroom
  •  I think I’m in love with the building custodian
  •  I think my ovaries are dead
  •  I like the smell of methamphetamines in the morning
  •  The water in the cooler tastes funny
  •  I got so wasted last night
  •  I never learned how to read and I enjoy getting high off of Dust-Off
  • I think my son or daughter is gay
  • I think my husband is gay
  • I’ve accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior
  • I prefer diet dr. pepper to regular dr. pepper

Are you serious!?!

July 9, 2008

I don’t think there’s anything more gross or rude than people that talk on their cell phones while sitting on the toilet in your work restroom, or any public restroom really. I can’t imagine what issue is so pressing that it can’t wait until you are out of the sanctuary of the bathroom. What happened to the bathroom being a place of relaxation? How can I relax when you’re in the stall next to me discussing “important” issues such as your friend’s recent pedicure…You just got your toes done!?! Aw, why didn’t you ask me to go?

And who really wants to be on the other end of a conversation with a soundtrack full of toilet flushing, pee sounds, and the occasional toot toot?  I was just in the work restroom today with a woman who, despite the ample amount of empty stalls, sat in the one right next to me and carried on a loud conversation about what she would bring to the BBQ this weekend. First of all it’s WEDNESDAY morning and second of all, NO ONE IN THERE CARES! Even my incessant flushing and angry coughs couldn’t make her shut up. Instead, she just spoke louder. These people are the same people that try to carry on a conversation with you when you are  locked in your stall. Don’t they know that it’s poor restroom etiquette to acknowledge another person and initiate a conversation once he or she is securely locked in his or her stall? The stalls are there to create a sense of anonymity and that can’t be done with you saying…Is that you in there??

And on that same note, don’t stand by the sink and talk to your co-workers…TAKE IT OUTSIDE! Some people are trying to concentrate in there and they can’t do it when you’re discussing your recent knee replacement or what a bitch Bonnie in AP is being today. I sometimes go to the bathroom to escape the constant chatter, questions, phone calls and emails so I would appreciate it if you would just keep the work restroom quiet! Haven’t you ever heard of text messaging?? If you are that in need of constant human interaction just send some texts!

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