It never fails that each day as I leave work at the 5 pm official dismissal, I am bombarded with waves goodbye from my co-workers. These waves never seem to cease until I acknowledge them, wave back and say something like “see you tomorrow” or “have a good night.” Even when I’m in my car, pulling out of our parking lot, the waves continue from car to car. Sometimes, holding up the traffic exiting the lot. Okay enough is enough. Why are we remaining so cordial and kind? We all know we just want to get the hell out of here and into our homes so that we can cry, get drunk, drugged, obsessively eat, gamble, exercise, or surf the web for porn. Anything to escape the soul-crushing reality that we have to do this all over again tomorrow.

So please, don’t hold up my time getting out of here. I’ll see you tomorrow so save your wave and please get out of my way.

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Okay, so this may be a disgusting topic, but it needs to be discussed.

I need to know which co-worker of mine frequently drops deuces in our shared restroom and then just gets up and leaves them there for everyone to see? I realize I’ve asked this question before, but I’ve never received an answer so I’m asking again.  PLEASE identify yourself for the DEUCE neglect-er that you are!

Are you quite proud of your creation and want to share it or something? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT! It never ceases to force my gag reflex into overdrive each time I walk into a stall only to find the masterpiece that you left behind. Isn’t flushing the toilet an automatic for you? It seems to be for the rest of the universe. Whoever was in charge of your toilet training should be sentenced to live the remaining years of his or her life in an outhouse that’s been frequently used by individuals suffering from IBS. 

We are all adults in this cube jungle! Last I checked, we work with no babies, toddlers, or elderly people who are unable to control their bowels or are so plagued by arthritis that they cannot position their hands to flush a toilet.

So please, stop the insanity! FLUSH YOUR DEUCES!

This is why you suck…

October 20, 2008

To some of those special co-workers out there…this ones for you!

This is why you suck…

You suck cuz you call me when an email would do just fine.

You suck cuz you stare at me with a look of disapproval when I walk in at five minutes after 8 am.

You suck cuz you comment on everyone and everything.

You suck cuz you wear Hawaiian shirts and/or mom jeans on casual Friday.

You suck cuz you listen to my phone conversations.

You suck cuz I can smell your dog on you.

You suck cuz you drank my last diet Pepsi…even when I put my initials on it.

You suck cuz you walk by my desk talking on your handsfree headset…take a seat please Mr. Cool.

You suck cuz you sneak up behind me in my cube and breathe heavily until I acknowledge your presence.

You suck cuz you stink up the restroom without even a courtesy flush.

You suck cuz you are CONSTANTLY offering me junk food and you won’t take no for an answer. I don’t want any of your candy corn, chocolate and peanut mix! It’s not because it’s not good, it’s only because I don’t want my ass to grow as big as your ass.

You suck cuz you frequently spit in the trash can underneath your desk. Can you hock your loogie a little quieter next time?

You suck cuz you take yourself WAY too seriously. I realize you are “supervising” two whole people now, but that doesn’t make you the boss of me!

I sometimes become so tired of the constant commentary of my co-workers. It seems that I am constantly subjected to their feelings, thoughts and annoyances. Here’s what I would like to tell them:

I realize that we work closely in this cube jungle, but that does not mean that you need to announce to everyone when your stomach hurts, when you’re tired or when you think it’s “so chilly” in the office today. What should I do with this information? I can give you some Pepto, refer you to a Redbull or advise you to bring a light jacket with you to work, but that’s about it. And frankly, I don’t really want to have to do any of these things. I would just prefer that you put a hush on the constant commentary and instead save it for your journal, your supposed “friends” you speak of or your spouse. Why should I have to suffer through listening to your constant babbling, I didn’t choose to work with you. Save it for someone who chooses to be around you and not those who are merely paid to be near you.

Information that I wish my co-workers would stop sharing with me:

  • I’m tired,
  • I’m cold
  •  I’m bored
  •  I’m hungry
  •  I miss my kids
  •  I have cramps
  •  I don’t believe in global warming,
  • I like my feet
  •  I have a rash
  •  I love pizza
  • I’m going on vacation
  • My kid did this or that
  •  My dog is so cute
  • My house won’t sell
  •  My in-laws are annoying
  •  I am lonely
  •  My boyfriend cheated on me
  •  My cat’s breath smells like cat-food
  •  I’m voting for…
  • I’m going to the Celine Dion concert
  •  Here is what I’m doing this weekend…
  • My feet hurt
  •  I want to go home
  •  My boss is a douche bag
  •  I am depressed
  •  I forgot to take my anti-depressants today
  •  I think I may be pregnant
  •  My mom never loved me
  •  I miss my cats
  • My stapler is missing
  •  My dentures stink
  •  I have no money
  •  I can’t go to the bathroom
  •  I think I’m in love with the building custodian
  •  I think my ovaries are dead
  •  I like the smell of methamphetamines in the morning
  •  The water in the cooler tastes funny
  •  I got so wasted last night
  •  I never learned how to read and I enjoy getting high off of Dust-Off
  • I think my son or daughter is gay
  • I think my husband is gay
  • I’ve accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior
  • I prefer diet dr. pepper to regular dr. pepper

It’s Monday…I KNOW!

August 19, 2008

Why is it that every Monday morning office dwellers find it necessary to remind themselves and their fellow co-workers that YES, it is in fact Monday?

I think I counted four different people who came up to my cube today with varying methods of reminding me it was Monday…like I could forget. I always know when it’s Monday because each Monday directly follows my Sunday night ritual of hysterically crying until I wear myself out enough to fall asleep.

The first co-worker approached me today and said – Another Monday…ugh! – Thanks for the reminder Sally Sorrowpants!

The second co-worker walked by cube asking – How are you today? I of course gave my usual lie of fine and then in order to be seen as polite (and hide the fact that I could actually care less) I asked – how are you today? To which she responded, As good as I can  be for a Monday!

The 3rd co-worker walked up to me and announced…Monday’s suck. To which all I could think was DUH!

The 4th co-worker then decided it necessary to remind me that it was the worst day of the week by saying – I can’t believe it’s already Monday! ?! Okay, I get it already!

i think it’s time that all of us in the CUBE JUNGLE accept that YES, IT IS MONDAY and move on. Feel free to secretly loathe it all you want…I know I will, but please stop reminding me of a fact I know all to be too well – it’s Monday again. And there isn’t anything you can say to change that.

Here are 5 ways to sit in your cubicle and appear as though you are working, even when you’re not:

  1. Always have papers with highlighted sections around you so that at any time you can pick one up and pretend to read intently.
  2. Always have something work-related minimized on your computer screen so that you can pull it up quickly when a co-worker or boss enters your cube. We realize you spend most of your time on social networking sites, shopping online and/or IMing with friends, but your boss and co-workers don’t have to know that.
  3. Practice looking as though you are in deep, analytical thought while looking at your computer screen. This way you look as though you care, even when you really don’t. You can obtain this look by squinting your eyes slightly while leaning in toward your screen. It also helps to rest your thumb on your chin while tapping your index finger on your lips.
  4. Respond to emails from your boss or manager promptly. This may mean you have to get off of your Myspace page or Perezhilton.com for a minute or two, but believe me…it’s worth it.
  5. Invest in a privacy screen for your computer. This is especially important if your back is toward the opening of your cube. That way when those nosey co-workers or managers approach your cube, they aren’t able to see exactly what you’re doing. It buys you some time to minimize your personal email or fantasy football team standings before anyone can make out what’s on your screen. If someone asks why you have a privacy sceen…and they will, tell them it’s really an ANTI-GLARE screen because the brightness of your computer screen was giving you “terrible” headaches.

When I’m “sick”

July 11, 2008

When you take a “sick” day from work, it can be for a number of reasons. Maybe you have a cold, flu, or the Ebola virus. Or maybe you had a migraine, or were sitting home popping Pepto-Bismol due to nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, or diarrhea. Sometimes you take a “sick” day simply because you desperately need a mental break from your office/job. Either way, if your company affords you sick days, use them.

The only thing I hate is when you take a sick day and then spend the entire next day at work answering questions about your 24-48 hour “sickness.” Managers, co-workers, and sometimes even the building custodians ask – Feeling better today, What was wrong with you, or my favorite Were you really feeling sick or just sick of us? As funny as that question may sound in your manager or co-worker’s head, it’s NEVER that funny to you. All it insinuates is…I don’t really believe you were sick.

And in every office, there’s those one or two of those people in your office who have to know EVERYTHING that’s going on with EVERYONE at all times. They’re the ones who when they catch you eating lunch at your desk ALWAYS ask – What’s for lunch and then peer over your shoulder and practically inhale your food. Or they are the same ones who notice when you’re late or leave early and make comments like – I see you got out of here early last Friday or Don’t worry I don’t think anyone else noticed you were running late this morning and then smile.  It must give them some sort of purpose to be in everyone’s business. They were most likely those kids in school who would remind the teacher that he or she forgot to assign homework or kept us in class after the bell with one more “important” question that just couldn’t wait.  I’ve never understood this nosey co-workers and nor do I want to. However, I do want to ask – WHAT DOES IT MATTER??

Once a manager even called me while I was at home sick and asked – Weren’t you just sick a couple of months ago?  To which my response was yes, and I’m sick again. In fact I had been sick two months prior to that with bronchitis and guess what, it came back. Sometimes that happens. I even had doctor’s notes for my absence and was on antibiotics. I also found it strange that my boss would even ask a question like that since I provided doctor’s notes each time I was out of the office for more than 1 day, which was rare, but that year I had the misfortune of contracting bronchitis twice.

The company affords me so many sick days and I’d be a fool not to use them. Maybe as a kid we were rewarded for perfect attendance at school, but in the workforce you’re awarded nothing for perfect attendance. If anything, you are taken advantage of and over utilized if you are in attendance each and every day. That is why YES, I take sick days. And NO, I don’t appreciate people commenting on them. Save your compassionate inquiries regarding my well-being because obviously I’m better if I’m back at work today…right? Save the how are you feeling questions for sometime when I’m out of the office for a substantial amount of time. Like if I were to be bitten by a rattlesnake or hospitalized for salmonella.

Sometimes I wonder why some companies even offer sick time if they are just going to treat you like a felon each time you take a sick day or two. Whether I’m sick, tired, hung over, or de-toxing, it’s NONE of anyone’s business because I am only taking time that is rightfully mine.  So please quit asking me if I was really sick or if I’m feeling better today or I’ll call in sick permanently.