This is why you suck…
October 20, 2008
To some of those special co-workers out there…this ones for you!
This is why you suck…
You suck cuz you call me when an email would do just fine.
You suck cuz you stare at me with a look of disapproval when I walk in at five minutes after 8 am.
You suck cuz you comment on everyone and everything.
You suck cuz you wear Hawaiian shirts and/or mom jeans on casual Friday.
You suck cuz you listen to my phone conversations.
You suck cuz I can smell your dog on you.
You suck cuz you drank my last diet Pepsi…even when I put my initials on it.
You suck cuz you walk by my desk talking on your handsfree headset…take a seat please Mr. Cool.
You suck cuz you sneak up behind me in my cube and breathe heavily until I acknowledge your presence.
You suck cuz you stink up the restroom without even a courtesy flush.
You suck cuz you are CONSTANTLY offering me junk food and you won’t take no for an answer. I don’t want any of your candy corn, chocolate and peanut mix! It’s not because it’s not good, it’s only because I don’t want my ass to grow as big as your ass.
You suck cuz you frequently spit in the trash can underneath your desk. Can you hock your loogie a little quieter next time?
You suck cuz you take yourself WAY too seriously. I realize you are “supervising” two whole people now, but that doesn’t make you the boss of me!
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5 Ways to Appear as Though You’re Working…
July 14, 2008
Here are 5 ways to sit in your cubicle and appear as though you are working, even when you’re not:
- Always have papers with highlighted sections around you so that at any time you can pick one up and pretend to read intently.
- Always have something work-related minimized on your computer screen so that you can pull it up quickly when a co-worker or boss enters your cube. We realize you spend most of your time on social networking sites, shopping online and/or IMing with friends, but your boss and co-workers don’t have to know that.
- Practice looking as though you are in deep, analytical thought while looking at your computer screen. This way you look as though you care, even when you really don’t. You can obtain this look by squinting your eyes slightly while leaning in toward your screen. It also helps to rest your thumb on your chin while tapping your index finger on your lips.
- Respond to emails from your boss or manager promptly. This may mean you have to get off of your Myspace page or Perezhilton.com for a minute or two, but believe me…it’s worth it.
- Invest in a privacy screen for your computer. This is especially important if your back is toward the opening of your cube. That way when those nosey co-workers or managers approach your cube, they aren’t able to see exactly what you’re doing. It buys you some time to minimize your personal email or fantasy football team standings before anyone can make out what’s on your screen. If someone asks why you have a privacy sceen…and they will, tell them it’s really an ANTI-GLARE screen because the brightness of your computer screen was giving you “terrible” headaches.
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Tags: annoying co-workers, arizona, blogging, california, comedic writers, comedy, computer screens, computer tricks, corporate america, corporations, cubejungle, cubes, cubicles, employment, employment suggestions, employment tips, enron, facebook, fantasy football, funny, gossip, hell, humor, humor blogs, illinois, jobs, make believe, mean bosses, micromanaging, minnesota, myspace, new york, news, office humor, office news, office politics, office pranks, Office space, office stories, office tips, office work, personal computers, politics, pretend, privacy screens, satire, satirical, staffing, stock market, the office, unemployed, wisconsin, work, work sucks, workforce planning, working for the man, writers, writing
No need to wave…I saw you all day.
June 23, 2009
It never fails that each day as I leave work at the 5 pm official dismissal, I am bombarded with waves goodbye from my co-workers. These waves never seem to cease until I acknowledge them, wave back and say something like “see you tomorrow” or “have a good night.” Even when I’m in my car, pulling out of our parking lot, the waves continue from car to car. Sometimes, holding up the traffic exiting the lot. Okay enough is enough. Why are we remaining so cordial and kind? We all know we just want to get the hell out of here and into our homes so that we can cry, get drunk, drugged, obsessively eat, gamble, exercise, or surf the web for porn. Anything to escape the soul-crushing reality that we have to do this all over again tomorrow.
So please, don’t hold up my time getting out of here. I’ll see you tomorrow so save your wave and please get out of my way.
Filed in annoying co-workers
Tags: 9 to 5, 9-5, annoying coworkers, bad managers, cease, co-workers, cordial, coworkers, cube, cube jungle, cubejungle, driving, drugged, female coworkers, getting along, good-bye, human resources, humor, jim and pam, job market, jobs, kindness, lumburg, male coworkers, management, michael scott, obsessive compulsive disorder, office gossip, office humor, office jokes, Office space, office stories, parking lots, porn, reality, resumes, satire, stories, the office, the office commentary, the office gossip, waves, waving, waving good-bye, work, work schedules, work stories, work sucks, working